Saturday, September 30, 2006

What Do You Argue About?

So this evening Schmoopie and I got into a debate about the Lawrence Welk Show, which was precipitated by the fact that one of our two PBS stations here still insists on playing it. I was asking whether or not they were still making these things, or if they were all reruns, and the answer was a little bit in between. Turns out they recorded some newer intros and segue material for the same old surreal shlock.
And while on the subject, let me say that these people are spooky as all hell, and apparently soulless. Whereas I may be 28% white and nerdy, these people are off the charts- but that's not really the point. The question at hand is what far fetched and bizarre things have you argued about? I'm thinking that arguing over the Lawrence Welk Show is among the more ridiculous.
As an aside, what the hell are the PBS people trying to do? With the ability to show solid, good quality shows, either domestic (such as Nova) or foreign (such as the plentiful BBC comedies), why in the hell would they air Lawrence Welk? I mean seriously, who watches this and how could it be of "public" interest? I could only bear about 5 minutes of it, and I was feeling incontinent. Schmoopie was begging me to change the channel while the debate was still underway. Remarkable.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Thank You!

So I had my second interview with a clinical software company in Seattle today and did well enough it seems, as they want me to come out for the next round. A hearty and sincere thank you to all the folks that have been sending me positive thoughts and please don't let up now. I don't yet know the travel date(s), but I'm very excited about this development and probably won't sleep much tonight. I may have to rename this blog to the "Autumn Of My Satisfaction"...

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

It's Worse Than I Thought

For, let's say "ever", I've felt like a far more soulfull being trapped in the body of a peculiar doughey white guy. It's okay, I would tell myself- I've got "get down". I've got soul. I like big butts. I keep it real. But then the lingering doubts would set in- I can't (and won't even try to) dance, I can hail a cab, I can swim, and I like scotch.
Now there is a test to quantify exactly how "white and nerdy" you are, and I'm distressed to report that I'm 28% white and nerdy. Break out the mayo and bologna/baloney- I'm FAR more of a "cracker" than I'd been thinking. I guess the only thing left is to start dressing like a golf pro. White socks and sandals, here we come...

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Finally, A Way To Give Back To The Media

Why the hell didn't I think of this? Media people are whores, and a "ho" is a "ho".

Monday, September 25, 2006

Now A Public Service For The Ladies

Schmoopie and I had big laughs over this page a while back. It's an online database of dated men, and a review/rating of the event. I seem to recall a comedy movie featuring this premise- Amazon Women on the Moon, perhaps? At any rate, this site added the phrase "his dick game is on point" into our household parlance. Pity the subject does "come up" more often...

Innovative New Birth Control Method

This method has a surprisingly high level of effectiveness and few (mostly social) side effects. All natural, but apparenly highly habit forming.
Addendum: Using this paper will heighten the effect.

In other news: I'm officially no longer tolerant of the music of Beck. "Paper Tiger"? Whattafuuuuu...

Saturday, September 23, 2006

So Angry I Had To Laugh

So today I was left in charge of A. and Z. and things were going well and were quiet- too quiet. So I went to investigate. Z. was trying to get his whiffle bat out of the gutter (the gutter?) and I got drawn into trying to get it down with this extendo-pinchy toy of Z's. He and his buddy had been standing on a folding nylon chair to help reach, which is what I tripped over, resulting in me scraping my knee and leg against these decorative brick things Schmoopie put beside our walkway. I might've also broken a foot bone, but who can tell... So, I go inside to wash the wounds and dress them, and of course- no bandages. I should explain to those who don't have children, that once you have kids, you'll never again have bandages. They eat them or something. So, without bandages, I'm left to making impromptu bandages out of tape and paper towels. *sigh* This is also not going well and I pen our kitchen's "junk drawer", which has grown to near critical-mass density and scale, only to have lots of shit fall out, much of it landing in the dog's water bowl. Great. So as I'm cleaning this up, I step on a thumbtack (pointy side up- natch) and then cuss like a sailor as Schmoopie is arriving with food. She thinks maybe my blood sugar is crashing. No, I explain and she kinda laughs. Thinking all this was over, I sat down and started to eat a chicken caesar salad Schmoopie had brought me from Panera Bread (Mmmmm) and- wait for it- my nose starts bleeding into my salad. Ewww.

Damn it all. I hope that this is some kind of early "cashing out" of bad fortune before my next interview on Thursday. That, and maybe I should have one of the kids follow me around with a camcorder...

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Ovahoyd in New Yawk

I'm crying with laughter over these. Examples:
"...everything is wonderful. The liquor stores are open, and people are riding bicycles"
"When I clenched my jaw really hard while I was trying to poop, I think I chipped a tooth"
"He Puts the 'F' in 'Keep on Trucking"

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

You Think Franchise Opportunities Are Still Available?

This is either inspired, or clinically insane. I approve in either event.

Oh- and for those of you sending karma, thank you and please continue. I had a second phone interview today that went pretty well I think and another one slated for Thursday. Please oh please oh please oh please....

How To Destroy The Earth (Completely)

This is really pretty funny. Screw Max Planck, Einstein, and Stephen Hawking (and his restraining orders)!

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

As I Often Say- "Don't Poke The Bear With A Stick"

As anyone who went to school with me can attest, I'm fond of cautioning people by saying "Don't poke the bear with the stick" and the advice sometimes falls upon deaf ears. I'm not exactly sure when or where I started with this phrase, but it hasn't changed in a really long time, and I may not even have been the originator. That's all as an aside though- a starting point, if you will.

I was thinking about the nature of the scientific method and how little we've progressed as a species. Under scrutiny, it occurs to me that the "Scientific Method" is NOT characterize>hypothesize>predict>test. It is in fact "poke shit with a stick and see what happens". This is what we did with fire, the atom, and with that recent multi-million dollar comet whacking deal, "Deep Impact". We found a celestial body and poked it with a specialized stick, but a stick none the less. So this is human scientific endeavor- poke things with sticks. You want to know the degree to which this primal instinct is still present? Find a stick and poke a turd with it so that the turd stays on the end (like a marshmallow over a campfire) and wave it at people. Macho men in riot gear will jump the hell back from poo on a stick. Those glow-in-the-dark yahoos in their containment suits at Chernobyl will run away from poo on a stick. Hell, I bet the TSA and Homeland Security folks don't even have a plan for when the bad guys try to take over a plane with poo on a stick.

This is why the space aliens aren't landing...

Oh, in other news, I had another phone interview. Keep those fingers crossed people!

Addendum: Do you know how funny it is to run a spell check and have it read "turd, turd, poo, yahoos, Chernobyl, poo, TSA, poo"? I never said my sense of humor was sophisticated...

Monday, September 18, 2006

Keep It Coming!

To those who have been sending me positive karma and good luck type thoughts, thank you, and please don't stop now. I had a nice phone interview with an outfit in Seattle and one other coming along shortly. I'm told of an episode of Friends (one I missed) where Joey is interviewing for some TV-related thing or another, and is worried that he's gonna say something dumb that will kill the deal (a phobia I justifiably posses: Interviewer: So, Stucco, what would you say is your greatest weakness? Me [attempting to use humor in an inappropriate place]: If I didn't tell the state appointed psychiatrist, what makes you think I'm telling you?), and so he has his friends hang out nearby at the coffee place and interrupt him whenever he's about to say something untoward. The interview goes well and the interviewer leaves, and as Joey is breathing a sigh of relief and congratulating himself, the interviewer comes back in and says she has one last question- what is his favorite TV show, to which he replies, "Favorite TV show? Yeah, right- No, I have a life!" thus tanking the deal.

So, the request is this- Don't leave me hangin'- please keep the good vibes coming.

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Pining for the Fjords

As I spend the day scraping and painting the outside of the house as a part of the grand plan to sell out and run away to the northwest, I find that I'm consumed with the desire to be mucking about with a boat- or better still to go sailing. I cannot remember the last time I went sailing, and that is eating at me more that I let on. I suppose I could try to trick myself to thinking that ours is a houseboat in drydock. A really inconveniently placed drydock, although one that has a fair view of the distant mountains. At any rate- one more wall and the mamma jamma is ready to be listed I think (well, we may be well served to replace a banister). SO, if tomorrow (Sunday) rolls around and you find yourself in Colorado and in the mood to wield a paintbrush, have I got the goods for you...

Oh yeah- the picture is of an older boat with nice woodwork that I saw in Sausalito's Marina. I'd much rather be scraping and sealing that than my place.

Friday, September 15, 2006

Just Hook Me Up To A Car Battery...

At the risk of having a permanent "O Face", multiple orgasms lasting 30 minutes each! Where the hell do I sign up?

Have to remember to keep hydrated...

Thursday, September 14, 2006

And For The Record

People are friggin sick. "Japanese eat babies"? "learn to skanking"? What the hell are people searching for exactly? Freaks

What Does Pure Genius Look Like?

Wonder no longer, for this is the pinnacle of alarm clock science. Who might've predicted centuries ago that a chain of events initiated by monks trying to schedule their prayers would result in such a treat for the senses? This clearly trumps my idea of an "extendo-catheter", designed to let you do other things while dealing with the 10-minute morning urination event.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Where Was This Advice Last Week?

File under "Now they tell me."

Guess Who Came Back?

Damn, now the stank-ass guest is hanging out somwhere near or under the chimney, and the odor is coming into the house. This is of course ideal for a house we are trying to prep for sale. Home buyers love the scent and sense of adventure the nastiest smelling member of the animal kingdom has to offer. What I really want to know is where the hell the foxes and owls have gone. Some other critter ought to be eating this dude. Bah.

In other news, send me all the positive karma you can spare tomorrow about lunchtime- I have a phone interview with an outfit in Seattle. If it goes well, I'll spill more of the beans, but I don't want to jinx anything.

Also, there is a new ad coming out for the newly redesigned iPod Nano that appears to condone the use of LSD. Weird.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Sad Date

So it's 5 years now. I'm thinking the only thing worse for the folks and families affected is the way we've been played emotionally and logically by the powers that be. I'm still not hating who they tell me to. I'm still not believing what they tell me to. Still not supporting the changes they've made to keep me "safe". I'm still offended by the propaganda games they play. And I've not forgotten about the people we lost on this day. I'm feeling pretty alone in this stance.


So, I'm making bread (Irish Soda), and this is what loudly comes out of my blushing bride in the front yard. I run to the screen door and see her trembling in the yard. Seems that she was watering out front and this guy popped his stanky ass head out and gave her a start. He'd taken up residence under our front doorstep. Now we're trying to make life unconfortable for the dude, without pissing him off so much that he sprays. *Sigh* So, how do you annoy, but not anger or frighten a skunk?

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Thinking about breadmaking

I think I'm going to take a stab at making some Irish Soda Bread tomorrow. You know, between all the myriad chores I'm committed to doing in order to get the house on the market. I'm amazed at how much touching up I need to do with paint. I mean what- do I flail about and rake things against the wall as I walk? Why did no one tell me? But I digress. Back to the bread business, I'm interested in making an unusual (potentially unleavened) bread. Recipes/Suggestions welcome (unless they are ridiculously complicated).

Also, why does Colorado have "blue laws"? I might want to get liquored up tomorrow, and they deny me my spontaneity...

Friday, September 08, 2006

I'm Under Duress (Which Isn't As Much Fun As Being Under A Dress)

So I grew weary of being anonymous and had to setup a blog (and I really hate that word) just in order to have an identity. Normally, I only have vulgar and disturbing things to tell people, but this is best done in person. Perhaps I should hire myself out to people who are in dire need of shock treatment, or a break from their complacency.

And, oh yeah. We got one of these:

What is it about this image that makes women ovulate? For the record, she barks and it's like lightning to the scrotum...