Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Polar Bear Shot Down Over Front Range

It was February 1991 and I was riding my bike the four blocks or so to work on a frosty morning about 9:30AM. I was riding my touring bike in the snow because I'm an idiot, and as I looked to the west and began taking in the beauty of the Front Range covered in fresh snow, I saw something. Something moving. In the sky. It looked like a polar bear with a sign on it's side. A polar bear was slowly drifting north in the distance against the backdrop of the scenic foothills. I slid into the parking lot at work and approached the morning smokers, and asked them what they thought of the floating object. "It looks like a polar bear" they said in a deadpan, disinterested tone, and stepped on their butts and went inside.

Now maybe I wired differently than most, but wouldn't a floating giant polar bear migrating north on a cold Colorado morning get you to raise your goddamned voice above flatline? Nothing. Not a sausage from these goddamned people. I went inside and watching from the top floor as the thing drifted away toward Boulder.

The following day the Rocky Mountain News had a story about a polar bear being "shot down" in the north 'burbs. Huh? Yes, that's right. It was a fucking polar bear after all. Apparently February is "frozen food month" (why? I've no idea), and a local Sam's Club was advertising this momentus event with a giant nylon hot air or helium filled deal shaped and colored like a polar bear, like those Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade things that are tended by a dozen handlers with ropes. The polar bear had broken free and was at the whim of the prevailing breezes. True to form, a cop on the north side of town observed the "shoot first and ask questions later" policy that serves them so well, and brought down the beast with repeated applications of buckshot.



Blogger Stucco said...

Oh yeah- it was this headline that got me thinking about this...

11:13 AM  
Blogger Hammer said...

I get the disinterested deadpan from everyone I talk to. It's like they've lost any and all spark.

If I saw a giant polar bear floating by, I'd be like HOLY SHIT DID YOU SEE THAT!!!??? Then people would look at me funny and walk off.

11:32 AM  
Anonymous Slick said...

And here Vick is getting jail time and being sued by everyone and their uncles....deservedly so, of course but still....

Did the cop at least get suspended? You know how long it takes to make one of them bears?? ;)

7:18 PM  
Blogger nic said...

Jerks, can't people just respect nature?!


7:53 PM  
Blogger Mrs. Chili said...

I don't know for sure - never having seen a floating polar bear - but I can speculate that it would have generated at least a LITTLE bit of enthusiasm in me. I'd have stood out there with ya, Stucco, wondering just what the hell was going on (are floating polar bears an indicator of the apocalypse?!)

4:40 AM  
Blogger Irrelephant said...

I'm told that floating polar bear balloons take 18 months to gestate and then another year to reach a level of maturity high enough to leave their handlers. They are gentle and majestic creatures, shy but proud.

Bastard cop. He probably went home and raped a bald eagle while shooting at a manatee.

4:45 PM  
Blogger Nancy Dancehall said...


Probably an Englewood cop.

Get. Me. Out. Of. Here.

7:24 PM  
Blogger Cheesy said...

Daham! I would have been pissin my pants and getting allll kids of worked up... then they would haul me away....

8:05 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

another good excuse not to go to work: Sorry boss, the acid from the 60's kicked in, seeing polar bears. Catch ya tomorrow as long as the trout get out of the sky.

8:57 PM  
Blogger General Catz said...

Why did this person feel the need to shoot down a balloon?

12:52 PM  
Blogger Jill said...

UWhy must people automatically start shooting when they see something in the sky that they've never seen before? What if it had been Jesus coming to take all the believers away to heaven??

7:36 AM  
Blogger TTQ said...

I was thinking the same the "My Reflecting Pool thought (only I wasn't alive in the 60's). I got a long overdue two-fer on some kick ass acid. Then I would have stripped my clothes and gone to dance with the bears, oh wait that was John Irving, a black bear a nd a tutu on the East Coast..Anyhoo, it probably would have ended up with me in a pretty white jacket that helps you stay warm by hugging yourself.

12:11 PM  

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