Monday, April 28, 2008

The Indignity of Being ME

I am thankful that this week marked the reconnection with one of my oldest and best friends, and it occurred to me that he's got a pretty damned good memory and a lot of exposure to me in my youth- yeah, no shortage of material. So with that being said, I thought it wise to tell some of the more mortifying tales before he reminds Schmoopie of them (ha! - like SHE'D blog), and in this way I can at least try to explain myself.

Part one- the Joker.

There was a 7-Eleven down the street from us that sold beef jerky. I'm a sucker for beef jerky, or venison jerky, or buffalo jerky- anything that can be "jerkied". Except 7-Eleven sold bad jerky, from sinewy delinquent cows I guess. It looked like big patches of bark from a sickly brown Sycamore more than conventional beef jerky. It was rigid and stale, but by God, it was jerky. $1 for a roughly 4"X8" slab. I like things sold by the slab. So one fine day, I'm filling up the car with said friend and Schmoopie, and I added a slab o'meaty delight to the bill.

It was a self serve kind of affair- a lucite box with a hinged lid, where anyone could open it, sneeze in it, paw about with their grubby ebola mitts- whatever. You bought a slab and you took your chances. I happened to choose a slab with a "spur"- that is to say, a barb of hardened meat. The "shiv" of the cow. The point of which was not completely parallel with the plane of the slab.

I took my peppered meat plank triumphantly to the car where "TM" (his blogger handle) and Schmoopie were patiently waiting and I took a manly bite. Incisors and bicuspids will only get you so far with these things and in order to pare off a mouth-sized portion, I pulled the slab to the side. With a snap, it splintered free like plywood, and the spur/shiv of meat raked across my face from the edge of my mouth toward my ear. Bleeding. I made myself look like the Joker from Batman on one side. I'd once again hurt myself with food.

This is an artists rendering of the sad result. I was mocked ever after.

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7 Comments:

Blogger Hammer said...

I'm glad to hear that you've been in contact with your friend after so many years.

Meat shiv? Now I'm extra glad I'm a vegetarian.

5:58 AM  
Blogger Cheesy said...

Fud=danger Will Robinson

6:53 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Awfully handsome in your your young age...nice to know it did not leave any permanent damage..at least not physically..hehe Love, Miss T

9:40 AM  
Blogger Scott from Oregon said...

I'd be curious to know what story you felt you were interceding with this one?

Does your friend know the truth abouth the massive gash?

It was jerky honey... honest!

11:50 AM  
Blogger  said...

I'd forgotten about your love affair with the Sharp Meat. I also remember you returning from a road trip back in the day feeling sick to your stomach, and I correctly guessed you had overindulged in Truck Stop Beef Jerkey™. Someone should invent an arm-patch thingy for such addictions...

5:25 PM  
Blogger Mrs. Chili said...

Dude, food is DANGEROUS. Not too long ago, I cut myself on a bagel. I didn't cut myself with the knife with which I was buttering said bagel, but with the actual bagel. Pathetic.

6:15 AM  
Blogger Nancy Dancehall said...

*snort* What is up with that hair? Wake me up before you go-go, darlin'!

9:57 AM  

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