Monday, February 19, 2007

What Is It With That Guy, Stucco Anyway?

Many people seek explanations from me about how I became and why I am the way I am. To these people I usually plead the fifth and move along, but from time to time I indulge thier curiosity. I once asked a man named Travis Shakespeare how he ended up the way he was, an he answered in a booming voice common to stage actors "I am this way [dramatic pause] as a result of arguing with tuk-tuk drivers in Thailand!" I always liked that answer, but am loathe to rip off such a cool motherfucker.

Here's my daily stab at a self-realized neo-hippy bullshit explanantion: I'm an openly perverted, pleasantly vulgar, overly observant and disinterested gimp of a man. Gimp? Yes, gimp. I'm wounded. Schmoopie posted a day-1 pic of the damage that's visible, but things have blossomed since then. She took and posted a day-3 pic, that also featured my filthy nutsack, to the horror of the world (since removed). Now, I've written about my nutsack before in gory details, and am far from bashful (although perhaps I should be, now that I'm so far past my prime), but if I wanted pictures of my package on the net, I would NOT want them anywhere near this god foresaken bruise. You know- I'd want favorable lighting and all...

I am however, the sort of man that will go into the handicapped stall of the bathroom at work, and drop my pants, hike my hula girl underpants, and take a picture of myself with my phone, and post the picture online. It's not pretty- this isn't the soft lighting that would be suitable for genital photography. It's the harsh drunk-tank, toilet at the gas station kind of lighting that amplifies shock and horror. Consider yourself warned (plus, the bruise is really gross too).

Click here to see the cruelty.

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Blogger Irrelephant said...

What truly worries me is not that you were squatting in a men's room stall taking pics of your wedding tackle with your phone but the fact that I was interested, nay, curious to see this bruise of near-legendary persuasion.

I must be one sick fuck.

Either that or I really like hula girl boxers.

Or ill-lit genital photography.

Nah, must be the boxers.

3:26 PM  
Blogger Stucco said...

Who said I was squatting? I have an office with a door, and I drop my pants in here daily for insulin shots- I was in the stall for the lighting...

And it was the missus that was showing off the "tackle". I mean, not that I'm above that sort of conduct...

3:41 PM  
Blogger Scott from Oregon said...


Please, please, please!1 Tell me you bruise easily, and that thing is just a result of easy bruising....

MY GOD, Stucco. That's a trafficacident bruise, not a "I just fell over" bruise.

I once fell sixteen feet onto my ass right about there, landing on granite, of all things, and I had a bruise about half of what that one is...


(and nice boxers, btw...)

7:09 PM  
Blogger Cheesy said...

Oh I LOVE the hula girls! Where did ya get those? ART!

I think you could get a second job at Rand~McNally.... I see London ..I see France...I see Africa on Stucco's ass!

9:44 PM  
Blogger Hammer said...

That is fugly, I don't feel so bad about my scrapes and bruises now.


9:44 PM  
Blogger slaghammer said...

Sweet mother of Zeus! I think I see Jesus in that bloody mess. If you’re not careful with those pics, you’re going to end up with throngs of religious pilgrims camped out in your front yard

10:23 PM  
Blogger General Catz said...

That is the worst bruise i've ever seen. Did you mention how you got it?

1:10 PM  
Blogger Stucco said...

Full disclosure- I'm apparently a big Sally of a man, to hear Schmoopie tell it, in that I coordinate my underwear with my shirt. Red shirt=red drawers. I don't know if that makes me gay, a lesbian, or an interior decorator. It's a thing, and I am powerless over it.

In any event, it means that I have BOATLOADS of boxershorts in a variety of colors. Most of which are from Old Navy (I'm cheap, you know?).

Cheesy- You COULDN'T get a job at Rand McNally, because you'll be working at Ripley's Believe It Or Not. Truth be told, I have no ass. My legs just sort of meet up with my back somehow. It is my personal shame and burden. If I had an ass, I coulda been a contender! I coulda been somebody!

And Catzy- this is the bruise from the "I Fell Down... Went Boom!" entry. It's a lot lumpier feeling than you'd expect, and warm all the time.

2:29 PM  
Blogger Jill said...

Wow, that bruise is way bigger than it was when photographed for Schmoopie's blog. Pretty soon it's going to take over your entire body.

Love the hula girls!

4:29 PM  
Blogger Cheesy said...

If you had an ass, you coulda bounced!

9:45 PM  
Blogger Nancy Dancehall said...

Oh ow! That's not Jesus, that's Satan laughing from under the hula girls!

11:23 PM  
Blogger Irrelephant said...

Stucco, it's Man Confession Time. You bared it all (not your nuts, your matching shirt/boxers addiction,) and I feel I must fess up--I'm the same way. Not as bad, I haven't got scads and piles of coloured boxers to match each polo shirt, but I do feel a certain point of pride knowing that if I'm in the royal blue polo I've got matching undergear.

What that makes me? Hell if I know. In touch with my inner Christopher Lowell?

5:17 PM  
Blogger Jeannie said...

ouch. I had a bruise like that on my thigh once where a horse stepped on me.

7:40 PM  
Blogger Judith said...

I said it before and Ill say it again JUmpin Jesus!!

1:11 AM  

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