What Is It With That Guy, Stucco Anyway?

Many people seek explanations from me about how I became and why I am the way I am. To these people I usually plead the fifth and move along, but from time to time I indulge thier curiosity. I once asked a man named Travis Shakespeare how he ended up the way he was, an he answered in a booming voice common to stage actors "I am this way [dramatic pause] as a result of arguing with tuk-tuk drivers in Thailand!" I always liked that answer, but am loathe to rip off such a cool motherfucker.

Here's my daily stab at a self-realized neo-hippy bullshit explanantion: I'm an openly perverted, pleasantly vulgar, overly observant and disinterested gimp of a man. Gimp? Yes, gimp. I'm wounded. Schmoopie posted a day-1 pic of the damage that's visible, but things have blossomed since then. She took and posted a day-3 pic, that also featured my filthy nutsack, to the horror of the world (since removed). Now, I've written about my nutsack before in gory details, and am far from bashful (although perhaps I should be, now that I'm so far past my prime), but if I wanted pictures of my package on the net, I would NOT want them anywhere near this god foresaken bruise. You know- I'd want favorable lighting and all...

I am however, the sort of man that will go into the handicapped stall of the bathroom at work, and drop my pants, hike my hula girl underpants, and take a picture of myself with my phone, and post the picture online. It's not pretty- this isn't the soft lighting that would be suitable for genital photography. It's the harsh drunk-tank, toilet at the gas station kind of lighting that amplifies shock and horror. Consider yourself warned (plus, the bruise is really gross too).

Click here to see the cruelty.

I Fell Down... Went "Boom!"

For Z's big number 7 we went to the pool, where I made every effort to kill myself. It stared with me trying to enter the pool gracefully. I leaned to the left and intended to put my hand on the tile edging and that was about all I needed to do. My hand slid on the incredibly slippery tile and I fell on my left hip and bent my arm behind me at a bad angle as I then bounced into the water to the amazement of little children nearby. In one swift motion I think I may have dislocated my shoulder, and created such swelling on my hip, that if it were further toward my backside people might think I have an ass. While I have no doubt that the swelling will beget some colorful bruising, it's my shoulder that's killing me most of all. I can't hardly use my left arm today.

But that wasn't my only abandonment of gracefulness yesterday. I also was diving (they have a high dive at the local pool, which is cool and uncommon) on a REALLY springy board and ended up scraping my nose on the concrete bottom of the pool.

Today in summary- Had to get up early for work. Crippled. Red nosed.