Monday, October 16, 2006

Talking Crap


I was just reading a damned funny story here at Hammer's (not Slaghammer's) Blog and it made me think of a similar story from my youth. (WARNING- this story is tasteless, gross, vile, and funny) I was working in a swanky restaurant in Denver as a waiter and bartender and this whopping great big fat guy came in one Sunday for the buffet. For those of you who never worked in food service, Sunday buffets are punishment for the staff. I was bartending, because I was the rookie on the bar staff, and realistically, who can screw up a Bloody Mary or Mimosa? So, much like "Mr. Creosote" in Monty Python's Life of Brian, this man eats an impressive amount of food and stops by the toilet (the hallway to which was near the end of the bar) and I forget all about him. This would have been in the early 90's and the New Orleans Saints started the season 8-0 and I was amazed. I must have been watching their game when he left. Before very long a patron came up to me and told me the men's room needed, uh, attention... Now, I know what unabashed pigs men can be and am steeled by the fact that my mother would talk about autopsies over dinner in my youth. I see myself as being mighty resistant to gross shit. None of this could have prepared me for what I was to behold- the shock and the majesty. In the handicapped stall (and who doesn't prefer the handicapped stall? All that space, and handles to grab a hold of in case of a struggle) there was the most amazingly disgusting dilemma. Mr. Creosote had shit a turd of a diameter similar to my ankle or calf. Here was a man clearly capable of effortless childbirth. The turd coiled like a soft serve ice cream and wound itself up above the waterline to a spire of such height that the top was shaped like a pagoda's roof from presumably pressing against his ass cheeks. The toilet paper used was scattered about the stall in a violent manner, and the turd was remarkably pristine. I stood, dumbstruck, imagining the sequence of events that must have been required to accomplish this spectacle, sometimes laughing and gagging. I then went to collect a crowd of spectators. I should have charged admission, but before long the restroom was standing room only. Male and female alike, testing their own limits and constitutions, forever scarring their view of humanity and not a one wanting to deal with any resolution short of closing the place down and opening up somewhere else. The manager on duty (doodie?) in the end decided to pay the dishwasher $50 to go in the stall and fillet the poogoda with a steak knife and fork, and carry each slab on a saucer to the other toilet and flush it incrementally. Such was the manner in which this accomplishment had been undone. I don't know if the knife, fork, and saucer were thrown out or washed, but I never ate there again. Also noteworthy is how far people will go to earn an extra $50 bucks.

I know that O has a comparable story of horror and humor, and perhaps with a little prodding can be bothered to write about it on Pant's Blog sometime. Or, alternatively, we can let this side of my sense of humor alone, and move on to pastures new?

14 Comments:

Anonymous Hammer said...

Oh lordy. I wasn't prepared for that. No wonder he went to buffets.
He could use the opprotunity to give back as much as he took.

What were you serving that day, Chocolate exlax souffle?

I'm guessing Mr. Creosote probably had to go find a car wash to use as a bidet.

12:06 PM  
Blogger Nancy Dancehall said...

No. No poop on my site. He can get his own site for poop.

Go loosen your load on Irrelephant. He had a post all about soft serve. Are you guys joined at the brain as well as the handlebars?

12:30 PM  
Blogger Stucco said...

Hi Hammmer, I wonder how Mr. Creosote reached all corners of his anatomy...

Pants, I don't know how you can say "no poop on my site" when dog urine is "okay" (although I'm still not buying that), and your blog is brown to start with. O has a story to tell, and you would deny him? How hurtful women can be.

Heh. My WV word is "fobergay"

1:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Now I have the the opprotunity to acually hear this story one fine summer day whilst working with Stucco and for those that have never met this great man in person, the conversation was animated by hand gestures and filled with tears of laughter on my part and his. Just reading this post bring back the memories and I sit here while my wife looks at me like i've lost it... again.

Although I have never managed to ever see anything in this manner I have managed to poop a 16 inch poop and it curled like a dogs turd (I assume it was 16" and I felt shorter so it must have been)... double flush with a plunger assist I say!

1:49 PM  
Blogger Scott from Oregon said...

Tee


Hee...

5:55 PM  
Blogger Irrelephant said...

All I can say is

"Good Gawd, man, you didn't take a picture?"

Joined at the handlebars...heh. Kinda sexy, in a creepy, skin-crawling, horror-film sorta way.

5:59 PM  
Blogger Schmoopie said...

I have heard Stucco relate this story many times, and I swear it gets funnier every time.

6:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think a harpoon would have made the job easier than a knife and fork..

How is it that people think its fair play to use public restrooms like a prisoner with a dirty protest????

1:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just an afterthought but Im guessing stucco, unless he had have a victorian street urchin with a chimney sweep in the rest room with him my moneys on the very real possibilty he went home as soiled as the rest room. As for the $50 well I guess every man has his price..

6:04 AM  
Blogger slaghammer said...

I’m glad to see that oversized and oddly shaped turds are finally being talked about. They have languished in the shadows for too long.

3:59 PM  
Anonymous O said...

I've heard this story on at least a dozen occasions. I am particularly fond of other people's reactions (shock, horror, disgust), as well as your amusement at the re-telling. Never having seen it written down, I was ammused anew. Yes, I have my own poop stories. No one offered to pay me (a problem when you have your own business).
In response to Slaghammer - we've been talking about oddly sized public turds for some time. Perhaps we've been hiding in the shadows too long, too.
OSF

6:55 PM  
Blogger Scott from Oregon said...

Two things-- One, have you guys looked into swapping houses with someone in Seattle looking to move to Denver?


Two, I told my own ginormous poopy tale, and ya'll are invited to view it...

8:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You know, I was talking to my mother about some other matter and she once reminded me of this one time at band camp... wait wrong story.

anyway, my father was out of town and it snowed really hard, I don't recall the weather but my mom said it was well below 0 and the windchill made it worse. So it was so cold the pipes froze, but not just the water pipes, aparently the sewer pipes did also as I recall something to the effect of the toilets stopped up, mom tried to plunge and one of my sisters decided to flush another toilet.
Hearing my mother scream I came into the bathroom where a fountian of SHIT was coming out of the toilet and the shower drain. and yes... mum was covered in poo.
I was about 12 at the time and thought it was the funniest thing ever, Course, never laugh at a woman covered in poo as she might make you clean it up... ahh the memories.

8:13 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ah, toilet humor.

12:48 PM  

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