Friday, December 05, 2008

Stucco's Helpful Torture Tips, Part II

Howdy hey, kids and kitties- put away your waterboards and trickle chargers. There is a NEW torture method in town. Like all the best methods, it only leaves EMOTIONAL scarring and trauma. Discovered in Seattle at the end of 2008, this procedure is GUARANTEED to get you all the confessions you will ever need.
What you will need:


1.) Place earbuds in victims ears. DO NOT plug into any audio source, despite any inclinations to torture your subject with Barry Manilow. Let the little metal plug dangle loosely.

2.) Rub polar fleece clothing against itself until a healthy static charge is created.

3.) Touch metal plug from earbuds to the polar fleece clothing, transferring the static charge (and alarming crackle/sizzle sounds) directly into the sensitive inner ear of your victim.

4.) Collect confession.

This environmentally friendly torture tactic featuring renewable energy is brought to you by Stucco Z. Tard.


Blogger Andy said...


10:37 AM  
Blogger Mrs. Chili said...

Ah, yes! One of the particular joys of winter in New England is the seemingly fatal combination of polar fleece, wool, dry air, and metal.

I find that I'm most often zorched either getting into or out of my car and at the grocery store. I swear to Christ, I get nailed EVERY TIME I push a cart then reach for something and get too close to the metal shelves. If you're in a New England grocery store and you hear a woman mumbling "OW! FUCK!" under her breath every ten or twelve paces, say hi to me. They ought to install charge dispersers under the damned carts...

11:51 AM  
Blogger Cheesy said...

Ha! The postal Service joined the 21st century and finally offered up polar fleece jackets.. Drive around in an aluminum truck all day zapping ourselves hehhe...

6:53 AM  
Blogger Jill said...

Sounds like something you could even do to someone who was, say, sleeping...... :-o

12:15 PM  

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