Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Does Anyone Know A Goddamned Thing?

File under: What the fuck?

I'm convinced that this nation is beyond repair. Jimmy Carter was in the news for criticizing the Dumbass in Chief, and then true to form, backed down. I mean this is the man that was assaulted by a swamp bunny. I'm not saying he was the high-water mark for Presidents, but damn he was (and is) a good man who did a fair job. I don't know how it came to pass that we collectively give Ronald Reagan posthumous hand jobs, and Carter gets our scorn. I saw the assortment of editorial cartoons about Carters comments and they were awful- because they were so ill informed and full of shit. One dumbass blamed Carter for Disco. See my point?

I sometimes feel my oats and encounter someone who bashes Carter and I ask them to back it up. Hostages and economy are all they have to offer, if that. Most of these people hate him because they heard it was warranted. Bullshit. As a public service, if you want to bash the guy, here are some reasons:

* He started funding the Mujahadeen (although this smacks of that dickhead Brzezinski, and Reagan rally piled on the cash, but the buck starts and stops with Carter)
* He deregulated oil production cost controls (feeling that these days?)
* He formed the Department of Education
* The Hostage Crisis (in looking into this matter, much if not most of the blame should go to Reagan who later admitted that he had in fact orchestrated the holding of the hostages until his term in exchange for Toe Missiles.)

Now that's pretty bad, and the economy was bad news too, but I submit that the rampant unemployment and the OPEC fiasco were significantly beyond his control. His timing was for shit. His term was not all bad news though- lest we forget (and apparently everyone has) he brokered peace between Israel and Egypt (Camp David Accords, anyone?). Peace in the middle east? Carter? Yup. He brokered the SALT agreements (as in "Strategic Arms Limitation Talks- it was generally seen as opposition to the current lovely levels of military industrialism that Eisenhower and Smedly Butler tried to warn us about- and that's key to his lambasting I think. The military types don't take kindly to having their allowance cut.) FEMA? You know, before it was a punchline? Carter made it. Imagine that- an agency to help people in event of a disaster. Wow, that could really be helpful... Nah, what was I thinking? All that being said, Carter was and is a decent and kind man- maybe he is the best PERSON to ever hold the office. Huh? Yes, I'll back that up.

Exhibit A:

The classic "No Win Scenario". Meet the last Shah of Iran. We installed this guy in Iran despite the will of the nation there, and stuck with him up until Carter's administration (remember what I said about bad timing?) So, surprisingly, when the Muslim folks overthrew the Shah, they didn't get a chance to kill him- he fled. He bounced around a bit, but had become very ill, and Carter granted him entry to the US for medical treatment. This pissed off literally everyone, but Carter stuck to his convictions (imagine that) and did what he thought was right.

And that's really where the rubber meets the road. Anyone can play the Bill Clinton game of politics and try to be all things to all people on the surface, and then turn the screws when no one is looking. That's not the mark of a man. It's considerably harder to do what you believe is right in the face of ubiquitous opposition, and this is where I give Carter his due. Would I vote for him? He wouldn't be my first choice. Would I like to know him? You bet. Do I respect him? More so now than ever. What modern president can compare to the works of this man after leaving office? He still lobbies for human rights and for fucks sake, he builds houses for the Habitat For Humanity people.

I have yet to see a critic of the man worthy of his company, even though there is so much to criticize.

Okay, I just had to vent a little there.

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Monday, May 28, 2007

Now THIS Is Goddamned Funny!

What would happen if you bought 25 bottles of NyQuil?

I don't know who this blogger is, but I feel that she is a kindred spirit...


Friday, May 25, 2007

More Things I Don't UNDERstand...

I haven't laughed this hard since the astronaut lady went ape-shit. Seems that a guy bought a punching bag at Costco and thought it smelled like ass, so he opened it up (right- because who wouldn't?) and found... "soiled" underpants and panties. What? Seriously- what? He comments on it online and others with the same model find the same thing in theirs. Thanks to the internet, Costco is recalling the punching bags because the stuffing "does not meet our high quality standards"

Schmoopie and I were talking about this and can't make sense of it. How can dirty underwear be cheaper than industrial filler like, sand or something? I wondered if this wasn't a cost-effective way to buy underwear (assuming requisite laundering), but that still sort of skeeves* me out. I mean, I'll share a lot of things, but I don't think I'd wear another mans underthings. It's not a gay fear, it's a hygiene matter. After all, I was shocked recently by Scott from Oregon with THIS little nightmare...

* A note on the word "skeeved": This word comes to me from Schmoopie, who in turn picked it up from the Showtime series Weeds. It was used by one female character to describe her feelings about vagina's (as in, they "skeeve" her out). I have appropriated this word, not because I watch the show, but because it reminds me of "skivvies", which is a term my father always used for underwear. I don't know if this is a military slang thing, or if it's one of those toddler safety words like, "wee wee" or "poopie" that he simply decided to stick with forever. Given the context, it seemed especially appropriate.

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"When Did Dipshit Get Here?"

This is the funniest Mac ad spoof I've yet seen. I love how they treat Linux (* disclaimer- I like Linux)

This one made Schmoopie laugh, but then she doesn't know what's in my porn collection...

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Sunday, May 20, 2007

More Weirdness

Thursday, May 17, 2007

General Updates & Stress

So I've been "hella-busy" sort of overall to the extent that I'm not meeting my quotas. Those that have known me for a while know about my "36 Hour Rule". Anyway, It's been too long, despite traveling and I'll try to make up for lost time here.

Disneyland- couldn't find the camera. Has this place always been a white-trash Mecca? I don't really remember it all that well in the past. We stayed at the Grand Californian Hotel, and I'm a sucker for all the Arts and Crafts style design and Mission Style furniture. Nice enough place, but I have no idea why the Monorail goes through it, but doesn't stop in it. What really amazed me about the trip were the number of people who have that kind of money to spend. I mean seriously, the hotel room was like $575 a night, and it seemed pretty full. Nothing in the park is reasonably priced, and it all has Disney shit all over it to boot. The eateries are pricey too- one joint had $40 entrees. Sorry, I'm not eating at a $40 entree place next to the guy in the Mickey ears and the see-through t-shirt with hot rods on it. People there are throwing down some serious cash, and they all seem to fit the "Ugly American" model. Noisy, careless and vulgar (and not vulgar in a good way). So, I went in not expecting much, and that's what I got. It was interesting to see how polluted southern California is these days. I have no idea why in the hell anyone would want to live there. Schmoopie was coughing a lot there. I had brown boogers.

Traveling to and fro was interesting. On the way there, we apparently flew with Bette Midler (well, not "with" her... She was in 1st class and we were in baggage class). The TSA dipshits have to get up my butt every time because I travel with a CPAP machine, and you know- you could throw it at someone and hurt them. On the way back I saw Kareen Abdul-Jabbar at the John Wayne Airport and he wasn't looking too happy. I don't think I was staring (I'm kind of neurotic about not staring at people, and tend to take it too far, and avoid eye contact), but I did make eye contact with him and he had that defeated look in his eye that airports can give, and I smiled at him, and he mustered a smile back. Hopefully he got where he wanted to go. Then the TSA folks were up my butt again, and we're joking with me, and I said "I thought we weren't supposed to joke around with you all anymore" and they gave me the "Whatever" look. In the end, it was Schmoopie who threw me under the bus by sneaking a 4 oz. sunscreen in my bag, when the limit is 3.5 oz. She must me sick of me and looking to get me sent up the river. Maybe I could get conjugal visits...

We all were exposed to some seriously sick people too- my mother and a friend of hers apparently have ebola or some damned thing. The friend has violent stomach action and pneumonia, and mom has inflamed kidneys and the stomach thing. Knock wood none of us come down with that shit.

So for all of this I took a couple of vacation days. What a damned double edged sword that became. I returned to work two+ days behind schedule and have been in "perma-scramble" mode ever since. What's more, I just completed some big assed deal that required some follow up attention (Exchange 2007 rollout, for the nerds in teh crowd), and apparently made it look too easy, as no one sees it as much of an accomplishment. So, cleaning up loose ends there, and trying to catch up is enough, but no- throw more in the mix. While I was away we hired a new Veep. He needs things that we don't have, like a computer and phone, and I'm way far away being nearly cavity searched by mouth-breathers with an airport badge. And how much advanced notice was I given to procure said items? None. (In the voice of Bullwinkle) "Hey Rocky, watch my pull a lappy out of my ass!" All of this has led to sleep deprivation, and that has consequences all its own.

So today I have a meeting with the boss, where I try to explain that I have not made progress on most of my outstanding tasks, and he seemed surprised and asked why. Two days off and two more of fire drills didn't seem to register. I don't think he has a clear window on my world right now. And his wife called me for help because her laptop at home was not connecting to her home wireless network. *sigh*

Oh, and $512 dollars later in dog boarding, the dogs got sick. Oh, and my mother bought Z. a figurine from the movie "Cars" of the tow truck that plays quotes from Larry The Cable Guy. Oh. Dear. Fucking. Lord. I'm having those thoughts about emigrating again. Need to remember to get passports for the family.

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Sunday, May 06, 2007

Genius AND Revolting- I'm In Awe

This is a classic re-interpretation of the "poo-on-a-stick" defense model, and it's got to be one of the most effective methods for keeping valuables safe from burglars. Click the tidy whities for a link with pricing and more explanation...

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Thursday, May 03, 2007

Bonus Post- Taking Bad News And Making It Filthy

So our good friend Pants has been having a rough time of things relative to her girly parts, and posted the other day that among the options facing her include a full (radical? What are these Doc's from the 80's? Radical Dude!) hysterectomy, and that set my mind wandering- straight for the gutter.

Now, not having a vagina has always been a disadvantage sexually- I mean multiple orgasms, minimal liquid discharge at climax, smuggling opportunities, and the temptation to "go commando" (when a girly goes commando, it's hot- when a guy does it, it's a biohazard). Even having to endure periods every month doesn't seem to tip the scales in my opinion. Girls can get laid SO much more easily than the fellas. And artificial penises are much closer to the real deal than artificial vaginas are...

Sorry- got off on a tangent there. The idea was to say that I am not as familiar with the female anatomy as females are (What, really? Yes, it's true), and this sometimes causes confused wonderment. In the case of a "radical hysterectomy", they remove the uterus, falopean tubes, ovaries- like everything hanging out up there. Insta-menopause, and all that fun stuff. That's not my question- my question is how they close off the opening.

Suppose you had a Proteus, like in Fantastic Voyage, and you shrank it down and shoved it in a post-hysterectomy cooter. You pilot your way down the happy canyon, and what do you find? What happens? Do they just stitch things shut? Do you find an abrubt end to the trail? Is there a trail end marker that says "not responsible for lost or stolen items? Turn around now- abandon all hope, ye that enter here? What? What if you were a post-histo girly type, and had an especially well endowed boy toy- could he pop some stitches? Would things feel differently for him? Does this affect post-coital drainage? Does it affect the "G-Spot"? Would it be called the "H-Spot"?

I really care about Pants and hope she gets better in some manner, but this is how my mind works. You can now apply EVEN MORE pity to Schmoopie.

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I'm NOT Crazy- You People Need To SLOW DOWN

I commented earlier about how everyone in this town walks faster than I do. I've been passed by people in those electric scooter deals that always make me think of George Costanza. It turns out that you all HAVE been speeding up. Here's Stucco's "Exhibit A"

And while that sinks in, may I deliver a mental image to you? Have you ever seen the "walking people"? I don't mean the old people at the mall, in puffy, scuffless white orthopedic shoes- I mean the ones that walk quickly, like they'd really like to run, but are afraid to move up and down. You know the ones I'm talking about- they sway their hips and waddle at high speed. They swing their arms way more than necessary. They typically wear spandex, although they really shouldn't. When YOU walk faster and faster, this is what you will eventually become.

Maybe if the folks here would lay off the coffee, they wouldn't have to pee so much, and could then slow down a bit.