Thursday, May 03, 2007

Bonus Post- Taking Bad News And Making It Filthy

So our good friend Pants has been having a rough time of things relative to her girly parts, and posted the other day that among the options facing her include a full (radical? What are these Doc's from the 80's? Radical Dude!) hysterectomy, and that set my mind wandering- straight for the gutter.

Now, not having a vagina has always been a disadvantage sexually- I mean multiple orgasms, minimal liquid discharge at climax, smuggling opportunities, and the temptation to "go commando" (when a girly goes commando, it's hot- when a guy does it, it's a biohazard). Even having to endure periods every month doesn't seem to tip the scales in my opinion. Girls can get laid SO much more easily than the fellas. And artificial penises are much closer to the real deal than artificial vaginas are...

Sorry- got off on a tangent there. The idea was to say that I am not as familiar with the female anatomy as females are (What, really? Yes, it's true), and this sometimes causes confused wonderment. In the case of a "radical hysterectomy", they remove the uterus, falopean tubes, ovaries- like everything hanging out up there. Insta-menopause, and all that fun stuff. That's not my question- my question is how they close off the opening.

Suppose you had a Proteus, like in Fantastic Voyage, and you shrank it down and shoved it in a post-hysterectomy cooter. You pilot your way down the happy canyon, and what do you find? What happens? Do they just stitch things shut? Do you find an abrubt end to the trail? Is there a trail end marker that says "not responsible for lost or stolen items? Turn around now- abandon all hope, ye that enter here? What? What if you were a post-histo girly type, and had an especially well endowed boy toy- could he pop some stitches? Would things feel differently for him? Does this affect post-coital drainage? Does it affect the "G-Spot"? Would it be called the "H-Spot"?

I really care about Pants and hope she gets better in some manner, but this is how my mind works. You can now apply EVEN MORE pity to Schmoopie.

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Blogger Jeannie said...

Actually, I think it's a valid question. I always wondered what the belly button is hooked up to on the inside. I asked a doctor once and she looked at me like I might be an alien lifeform. But it was hooked up at one what?

9:12 AM  
Blogger Stucco said...

Hi Jeannie, I've asked that once as well. I'd read that these girlies that pierced thier belly buttons were actually assuming more risk than they thought, as if there was an infection they could really get messed up, since the belly button is attached to something important. I don't recall exactly what that was, but it's not a dead end. I also remember wondering if you untied the knot on a babies belly button, if they'd deflate and fly about the room like a balloon.

All this important science needs funding.

9:22 AM  
Blogger That Guy said...

I need to not wander to your blog at work... its becoming NSFW.

Sadly I know the answers to all these questions, but being a guy "in the know" I refuse to share for fear of being marked as "teh gay". Just kidding.... sorta. What you really need to understand is that not only do they close things off, but what holding up the rest of the body parts? a net, I swear. without it everything would fall out.
That would be weird, "excuse me miss, I think you dropped your small intestines".

11:40 AM  
Blogger Cheesy said...

I too am all to familiar with this subject... had one back in 2001. No worries to Pants.. She can still have hugely endowed men and she won't break lol.

The info you seek will depend alot on whether the surgery is done throught the abdomen or through the vajayjay...and the reasons for the surgery..[cancer vs endometriosis or other woes] This may be more info than you need but you did ask lol. What they take and what the stitch close depends on how the Dr. approaches the surgery

8:33 PM  
Blogger Lexcen said...

I'm sure there's a book called Gynecology for Dummies.

5:10 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was under the impression that it was cauterized shut from the side that used to be inside the uterus.

3:51 PM  
Blogger Gentleman Rook said...

I'm still wondering if I'll catch the gay just by standing here listening to all this, though the whole idea of taking a tiny innerspace ship inside a nice set of mommy bits is quite intriguing, as long as we get to a) bring along Raquel Welch circa 1975 and b) the only uniform onboard is white and spandexy and is hers.

Ahoy, Captain! Permission to come aboard?

4:13 PM  
Blogger Schmoopie said...

Hee Hee! Cheesy used a "Grey's Anatomy" reference! Vajayjay. Ha! We need to get together and have a Grey's Anatomy marathon. Here's to the "Nazi" Dr. Bailey!

6:34 PM  
Blogger Cheesy said...

:o) sounds like a plan stan!

8:59 PM  
Blogger General Catz said...

This sentence is brilliant:

when a girly goes commando, it's hot- when a guy does it, it's a biohazard

As for the hysterectomy, what i always wondered was what happens with all that empty space? i mean, does it stay empty?

A radical also means instant menopause. She'll either need HRT or start with the hot flashes, et al, right away. Not exactly a smoothe transition into the next phase of life. Better than the other choice, tho. I hope she's alright.

8:13 AM  
Blogger Nancy Dancehall said...

Dammit! Blogger's eating my comments again! I left one last night, I swear.

"No worries to Pants.. She can still have hugely endowed men and she won't break lol."

Whew! That was a 'big' worry. heh.

I could bring photos of my insides, Stucco. Extreme Nekkid! ;-)

My Doc would be putting me on ERT therapy, General Katz, because I'm 'too young' for menopause. You can read all about it at my site if you'd like. But I die a littl inside when I think about it. I need to do a post getting the opinions from ladies who have gone through all this.

Oh, wait, this is Stucco's blog, not mine.

8:20 AM  
Blogger General Catz said...

Nancy, i can't figure out which of the 4 blogs it is....

10:45 AM  
Blogger Stucco said...

TG- Teh Gay! Teh Gay! I've just outed you like Google did to me. Heh.

Cheesy- You prob'aly ought to chat with the darling Ms. Nancy Pants. She's soliciting informed opinions, versus my vulgar ramblngs.

Lex- I'll take the unabridged version please.

Anon- cauterized? Versus stitching? Good thing I've not been asked to help out, or there'd be duct tape involved.

Gent. Rook- You get Raquel Welch, and I'll take Ursula Undress.. *ahm* Andress. And Anita Eckberg to block...

Schmoop- you are making me feel like a Grays Anatomy widower again.

General C.- I think if mowen were surveyed, they'd like that space filled with emergency cholocate rations. If it were up to me, I'd have them put a universal remote control in there.

Pants- Apparently the song "I think I'm turning Japanese" was more formative for me that previously thought ("I'll get a doctor to take your picture, so I can look at you from inside as well").
Then again, if you go to Dr. S. and act like I would (or at least ask the questions I'd ask) he may give you some really heavy duty sedatives. That can be a plus too... er... So I'm told. And as for the "dying" a little bit when you think about it- that's the cart-in-front-of-the-horse type thinking. With HRT, you'll be rid of the pain, and elevated cancer risk (talk to Mer about the joys of cancer if you need details) and you can play all the same "let's see what fits" games with O, that you ever have.

12:32 PM  

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