Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Heidegger, Mucous, and Drano®

So, I was taking pity on myself, and took the simple wonder "why is there so much crap in my lungs?" and marched it swiftly to the extreme "why is there anything?" when the sleeping dog nearest to me whimper-barked and farted. This made me laugh, which then made me cough, which in turn returned me to the original question about my lungs o'shit.

I'm so flippin' tired that I can't really have a protracted train of thought, and my environment is conspiring against that to boot.

The Disco Tent Challenge is still on track. My original sample entry to Johnson & Johnson (makers of Drano):

"Have you ever considered marketing Drano as a treatment for toenail fungus? It kind of burns if you soak for too long, and you should really be outside for fresh air concerns, but wow is it effective! I never really was impressed with Coca Cola as a rust remover, but your product is more than an "urban legend". They never mentioned that the hair on my feet and toes would go away, but who cares about that? I expect you'd have to clearly state that people shouldn't drink it, because some people will try anything and I'm sure drinking Drano would really mess you up."

Garnered a bona fide response:


Thank you for your email regarding DRANO® Clog Remover.

Please be aware that we don't recommend letting this product come in contact with your skin as it may burn eyes, skin and mucous membranes on contact.

If you would like to speak to a trained specialist regarding your past experiences with this product, please call our Medical Information line at 866-231-5406. They will be able to address any questions you may have.

If we can help in the future, please do not hesitate to contact us again.



Consumer Relationship Center
SC Johnson, A Family Company
Toll Free Number: 1-800-558-5252

So time is running out, but it's not too late to win this thing. I'll post submissions and announce a winner 12/25.

Many thanks to those who have mentioned the challenge.


Blogger Jeannie said...

I wish I had the imagination and the guts.

3:51 PM  
Blogger Scott from Oregon said...

Ummm, so sorry to hear of your lung ailments.

I umm... hope your are expectorating a full recovery.

4:35 PM  
Blogger Hammer said...

I'm still getting opver pneumonia.
It's a hard road. I feel for ya.

Mucinex works wonders.

8:22 PM  
Anonymous earthmama said...

Have you considered a watered down version of the DRANO® Clog Remover for that congestion of yours? Worked wonders for me back in MI when I was around 17, innocent, very gullible, and chronic bronchitis had set in on an on-going basis from too much refer. Heh. Have never had any congestion since- but then again, cannot walk faster than a crawl without horking up a lung; stairs are a wheezing bonanza. Just a helpful hint though-might it be another question for that trained medical specialist?
None-the-less, happy feel better thoughts to you and the fam.

11:23 AM  
Blogger Andy said...

Heidegger? Heidegger was a boozy beggar who could think you under the table.

10:52 AM  
Blogger Vulgar Wizard said...

I asked Crest why their toothpaste doesn't work on my zits . . . I haven't heard back yet.

10:46 AM  
Blogger Scott from Oregon said...

I am planning a swing into Seattle in early January toting a vagina. You guys gonna be around?

1:00 AM  
Blogger Vulgar Wizard said...

I just sent a complain to Centennial Wireless . . . but it's not a joke, so it might not count, huh?

8:19 AM  
Blogger Stucco said...

Heyya Jeannie, it's not so difficult- picka product at random and then think of an unreasonable expectation. It's the American Way :)

Hi Scott- thank you, and you'll be here eh? I'd love to meet up and am pretty flexible. Will it be a weekend?

Andy- Maybe Heidegger could outdrink me, but I'll be he couldn't outdrink Christopher Hitchens.

VW- good one! It says tartar control, and the stuff in a zit looks like tartar sauce, so it should work. I hope they reply.

3:28 PM  
Blogger Scott from Oregon said...

Stucco- We'll be (there will be a she teehee) cruising into Seattle maybe on the 4th? Need to be back in portland evening of the eighth.

Beer and an armwrestle?

Hope you are feeling better, what with all those loogies and stuff.

5:11 PM  
Blogger Vulgar Wizard said...

Stucco, I got a reply from Crest!!!!

"Thanks for contacting us.

People often tell us about the unusual uses they've found for our products. We don't recommend using Crest Toothpaste for this use. Our safety-testing and research help us confidently say that our product will do what we designed it to do. These are the only uses we can knowledgeably recommend.
Thanks again.
P&G Team

I tried to use your toothpaste to clear up a zit, but it didn't work. Now I still have a zit, AND I have toothpaste all over my pillow case. Why didn't it work???"


6:15 AM  

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