Tuesday, November 13, 2007

I'm An IT Guy And I'm Not Allowed To Operate A Toilet

In the high tech building where I spend my days, I periodically heed the call of nature in the Restroom Of The Future. This disease-impeding vision of hygiene has toilets and faucets that use infra-red sensors to figure out when flush. They look like this:

These idiotic battery operated menacing control freaks are gawdawful. The urinal only senses your presence if your close enough to dangle your nuts on the piss puck. As a result, it's often sotted with kidney juice, except that it tends to flush arbitrarily, sometimes in rapid fire fashion, presumably to help you with your movement efforts. The commodes are all too willing to flush, and sometimes will flush as you are standing, and do so with such fury that you're well advised to stand clear. A woman I work with had her keys and cell phone fall out of her pants pockets into the bowl as she stood up and the toilet flushed immediately, and neither were ever heard from again. No joke- these toilets will take off your fucking arm.

The sink and soap dispenser are the same fucking disaster- they don't necessarily react in response to living human flesh. Water will run and soap will ejaculate sadly into the bowl throughout the day. Except when the batteries die. Water is wasted all damned day, and I routinely swear at the technology that I normally hold so near and dear. So, I ask you- why can't I, a grown man capable of dressing and feeding myself, can't be trusted with a simple mechanical faucet? Because The Man wants to interfere with our sacred bodily functions! Once you can constipate and infect the population, you can redeploy the pay toilets, with new credit card reading timers. Mark my words...



Anonymous Anonymous said...

huh huh you said ejaculate... :-) Miss T & Mr Chris say Hi!

10:05 PM  
Blogger Jeannie said...

I really have to wonder why they don't bring back the foot pedal mode of water turner oners like we had in elementary school.

5:45 AM  
Blogger Région Frontière said...

We have the same items at work and toilet time is always an adventure: will i get sprayed or won't i?

6:51 AM  
Blogger That Guy said...

yes, yes. the constant complaints of automated *flush* (goddammit) systems and pay as you go toilets. nothing pleases me more *flush* (goddammit) than the refreshing *flush* (goddammit) WILL YOU FUCKING STOP SPRITZING POO WATER ON MY ASS.

/agreed :)

11:20 AM  
Blogger meno said...

I swear i think those randomly flushing toilets are a violation of my free will.

One soap dispenser i use doesn't ejaculate so much as dribble all day. Sad.

2:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

nothing makes my pee stop scared faster than rapid fire flushing.

3:01 PM  
Blogger Scott from Oregon said...

you may enjoy this--


8:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

HAH!!! I love it.
-Jason V (Long time no talk, email me, jvendryes@comcast.net, chris and tonya told me to check your blog out FYI, why do I have this thing in parentheses?)

8:54 PM  
Blogger Nancy Dancehall said...

'...and soap will ejaculate sadly into the bowl throughout the day.'


...having...inappropriate...Phillip K. Dick...thoughts...

9:10 PM  
Blogger SUEB0B said...

"dangle your nuts on the piss puck"


8:34 PM  
Blogger Irrelephant said...

Wow. You're a freak.

9:30 AM  
Blogger TTQ said...

Did you know everytime it self flushes,it takes a digital pic of your penis? Little known fact I thought I would share.

12:51 PM  

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