I'm An IT Guy And I'm Not Allowed To Operate A Toilet

In the high tech building where I spend my days, I periodically heed the call of nature in the Restroom Of The Future. This disease-impeding vision of hygiene has toilets and faucets that use infra-red sensors to figure out when flush. They look like this:


These idiotic battery operated menacing control freaks are gawdawful. The urinal only senses your presence if your close enough to dangle your nuts on the piss puck. As a result, it's often sotted with kidney juice, except that it tends to flush arbitrarily, sometimes in rapid fire fashion, presumably to help you with your movement efforts. The commodes are all too willing to flush, and sometimes will flush as you are standing, and do so with such fury that you're well advised to stand clear. A woman I work with had her keys and cell phone fall out of her pants pockets into the bowl as she stood up and the toilet flushed immediately, and neither were ever heard from again. No joke- these toilets will take off your fucking arm.

The sink and soap dispenser are the same fucking disaster- they don't necessarily react in response to living human flesh. Water will run and soap will ejaculate sadly into the bowl throughout the day. Except when the batteries die. Water is wasted all damned day, and I routinely swear at the technology that I normally hold so near and dear. So, I ask you- why can't I, a grown man capable of dressing and feeding myself, can't be trusted with a simple mechanical faucet? Because The Man wants to interfere with our sacred bodily functions! Once you can constipate and infect the population, you can redeploy the pay toilets, with new credit card reading timers. Mark my words...