Monday, July 23, 2007

Say Howdy To El Diablo!


So, this is a story from the last week at home, dealing with my afflicted missus, Schmoopie The whole Harry Potter thing was going on last week, you see, and while I'm willing to watch the movies, I don't have the whole rabies thing about it. I think Schmoopie took advantage of my forgetful nature, and just made plans that included me going to a 10PM showing of the first Harry movie with new (7th) book distribution at the end. I don't remember being asked or agreeing to this sort of thing, but she assures me I was and did. So very well, I like hanging out with them, even when they are too hopped up in some frenzied book release to notice me. But this story actually begins the day before that.

I have some kind of peculiar or de-tuned charm for finding really weird shit on the Internet. J says I find "every pothole on the information superhighway". It's been said worse. So, I normally use (abuse) this skill/talent/whatever to look for really freaky porn (disclosure: I am male, and this is as natural as breathing. If porn upsets you- please try and relax, or at least don't click the last link in this entry.) But as fate would have it, I came across a PDF file of the whole new Harry Potter book, so I downloaded it. Schmoopie will be happy, I'm thinking to myself, and I like to do nice things to, er... for her. So I head upstairs to tell her what I've found, and it's more than one day before the release. She's just gotten out of the shower and is finished dressing (damn it) and I tell her that I'm about to make her happy. She thinks it's a vulgar come on (does she know me, or what?) and I tell her that I have the Harry book.

She looks at me as though I have killed a puppy. No shit. Now, for background here- we've pre-ordered and paid for two copies at full retail- we're not shorting Ms. Rowling on this deal. But no- she looks at me with wounded eyes and says- "you're the devil!"

Yup. Stucco. El Diablo. Mephisto. Big Lou Cipher. Judas. Satan. Howdy!

To say I was surprised is an understatement. Then a transformation happened. After accusing me of being the devil, she began lecturing me about how the experience was all about "cracking the spine" and holding a book, etc. This lasted almost a minute. Then she began asking how I got it and wanted to know details about what I had. I'm still stunned, mind you, but I answer her questions as we go downstairs. I sit down at my computer and within another minute, she is asking where the PDF file is. The next minute, she starts reading and my widowerhood begins, only to pause long enough for her to email Pants that she'd gotten a copy and had started reading. Not 10 minutes later the phone rang- it was Pants demanding a copy...

By the time the movie and book deal rolls around, she's forgotten all about calling me the devil, and is happily shuffling me off to her nerd event (and is 250+ pages into the book, courtesy of the PDF). If I'm still a devil in her mind, it may be more like this:


So, the lessons learned:

1.) If you try to do something nice for someone, be prepared for grief.
2.) Book embargo dates are really stupid.
3.) If I were the devil, I think I'd find that sort of work to be pretty easy. Once people get over their righteous indignation performances, they seem happy enough to break rules and do what feels good/naughty/whatever.

And this NSFW (Not Suitable For Work) little gem cropped up while I was looking for a devil image, and I really appreciate this sort of thing...

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14 Comments:

Blogger Mrs. Chili said...

Heh. I would TOTALLY have started reading the PDF - and I doubt I'd have lectured you about it. My reaction would have been more along the lines of "REALLY?! You FOUND IT!? COOL!!"

And about the photo - what the hell is that tattoo over her coochie? Some sort of spider web thing, or a megaphone? I can't tell..

3:22 PM  
Blogger meno said...

My daughter would have thanked you for the PDF! I remain indifferent.

6:07 PM  
Blogger That Guy said...

I'm actually happy for the PDF since my vision is not what it used to be. I did however contribute to the cause and had already bought 2 books thus allowing me to read the pdf and the wife and daughter didn't have to fight over the latter books.

I too think that timelines are lame and thin that a finished product should hit the shelves the DAY its ready... idiot sales people who think this was a good idea, just freaking release the damn thing, people are STILL GOING TO BUY THE F**KING bOOK!

6:28 PM  
Blogger Scott from Oregon said...

every pothole...

Hmmmmm... I am still trying to pin that one on me...

6:38 PM  
Blogger Jeannie said...

I wouldn't even know how to look for a pdf file.

I suck.

I do find porn now and then. There's a lot of freaky shit out there.

I don't read or watch Harry Potter.
Yawn.

7:30 PM  
Blogger Orhan Kahn said...

You certainly handled yourself better than I would've.

8:42 PM  
Blogger General Catz said...

i'm just glad all the nonsense is over. you'd think that a cure for cancer had been found.

wait, i don't think a cure for cancer would get people as excited as harry potter.

7:20 AM  
Blogger Cheesy said...

I for one would have LOVED to be delivering the pdf's instead of the heavy tomes I was blessed to commune with Saturday!

8:38 AM  
Blogger Lexcen said...

Porn, you should get in touch with JP's brother,
http://vaginous.wordpress.com/, see his last post.
As for HP, it is an obsession that I cannot understand and don't subscribe to.

2:25 PM  
Blogger Stucco said...

Hio Ms. C- Yeah, gratitude would have been a big improvement... I dunno what the tattoo on the devil girly is about- I was kind of thinking that it looked like the "Mystify" screen saver from Windows. It's sad that I think of computer stuff even when faced with porn.

Meno- had I only known... :)

TG- and how is the post-op eye?

Scott- Is that a challenge? I feel obliged to warn you that I have freak skills...

Jeannie- whereas, I find stuff that's NOT porn from time to time. Like when my mother came to town. Man that sucked.

Orhan- I know where my bread is buttered, plus I love her through and through.

Generalissimo- No kidding! Maybe the cure for cancer is a spell...

Cheesy- I read your "free lunch" blog. I don't think you get to gripe- fresh air, excersize, a lovely view, and fresh produce? I sit in an office and stare at screens all day (overlooking that this is what I'd choose to do anyway...)

Lex- Oh? Heh.

4:15 PM  
Blogger TTQ said...

Nary a Harry Potter peep in this house other than our "adopted daughter who lives with her real parents cause we are cool like that" had a pair of the glasses on and was the cutest thing ever according to Honey. I have yet to see her in them...

In other matters: the NSFW link..nice tattoo.

6:01 PM  
Blogger Judith said...

Yknow if you wanted my chap has whole folders of that NSFW genre he can oblige you more if youre interested and as for harry potter the put a phone line on for grief stricken children at the ready for the out pour of grief at the last book here in the UK..

4:02 AM  
Blogger Nancy Dancehall said...

No good deed goes unpunished. ;-)

And I never did get my Acrobat Reader to work. No THAT was the work of the Devil.

(Pants)

4:11 PM  
Blogger MacCurt said...

I have two questions ...

How would you feel if the little misses showed up with OSX Leopard before it released? My guess is you would say "Whahoo !!!"

Would the little misses stand in line with you while you wait for Leopard to be released?

11:29 AM  

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