Sunday, December 30, 2007

Disco Tent Challenge Winner

And the winner is.... Vulgar Winner! She got a sincere reply from the makers of Crest regarding the use of he tartar control formula to combat zits. Well played. VM- email me your mailing address and I get your prize on the way.

Friday, December 21, 2007

Tomorrow Is Global Orgasm Day

Tomorrow (12/22) is not merely the winter solstice, it is Global Orgasm Day. What? Yes, that's right. You are obliged to have as many "O's" as you can muster. You ladies capable of multiple O's need to make the most of it. I don't know if the goal is quantity or quality, but if it's quantity, I have not been able to exceed 3 O's in a 24 hour period since I was in my 20's, so I'll probably be hurting the average.

Now, I don't know this young woman but she can't carry the load for all of us (and as an aside- Wow! I think I love her. Where can I get that condition?), so make an extra effort to get close to your favorite fuck buddy, or rub a few out for world peace. As a suggestion, you may want to go "commando" tomorrow, just to make access more convenient. Take condoms and wet-naps everywhere you go, you know- just in case. And if you are an American, take this as an occasion to let your hair down/lower your standards/ignore your puritanical fear of sex/ignore your hang-ups and have some sex. It can only help.

So stock up on KY, paper towels, condoms, and rope, trim up your stuff if that makes you more comfortable, wash your taint, mount handlebars on the headboard, put the featherduster in the cordless drill, and remember that good guys "finish last". Be nice to one another and remember- it's for a good cause, so let's see some "O faces" out there.


Thursday, December 20, 2007

Irreconcilable Differences

File under: Stepping on toes, part XXVII

The unsaid truth of our existence is this: we are all NOT evolved enough to truly live together in peace. We are not interested in tolerance or liberty. Nope. Me neither. Sad but true. Like oil and water, we may share a container, but we are unable to unify, and the force of our nature perpetually draws us into our own spaces.

What the fuck am I talking about? Who pissed in my Corn Flakes? No one. I'm not angry.

The realization that we are not as advanced as we like to think is an ego strike, but it's necessary medicine.

If you believe in God, it's possible that you and I won't mix. Even more likely, if you believe any written holy book (Koran, Bible, Torah, Tipitaka, Bhagvad Gita, whatever) LITERALLY, then things look very bleak. That doesn't mean I can't like you or that we can't be friendly. It means there is a HUGE division between us in views, and there is a high probability that we cannot find common ground for day to day living as equals. The Pope opened his pie hole recently to say how much misery and suffering has happened as a result of atheism. Wow. Open a history book, there, hat boy. If you believe that we are created in Gods image, what kind of a god is this? Do his pinky toes get mashed on the corner leg of the couch too? If you do not believe in evolution, and say things like "it's only a theory", I'll ask you to observe the same disbelief in another "theory" that is shamelessly promoted in those godless secular schools- the theory of gravity.

If you are willfully ignorant and never challenge your brain with thought, you and I won't mix. I REALLY don't suffer fools well. While I may rant about Jeff Fucking Foxworthy and the culture of embracing idiocy (say "Git 'R' Done" to me, and I cannot be held responsible for my actions), he is merely the messenger. If you know more about NASCAR than about the Legislative branch of government, you and I won't mix. If you don't know when to use "its" versus "it's", "there's" versus "there are", "then" versus "than", or "affect" versus "effect" then you and I won't mix. If you use the word "fascist" but do not know EXACTLY what it means, or to which end of the ideological spectrum it belongs, you and I won't mix.

If you are NOT consummately disappointed with the failure of this country, I can only surmise that you are either willfully ignorant about what is happening, or are part of the reason it is happening, and in either event you and I will not mix. I'm astonished at the number of people I hear saying patently false things like this country is a Christian nation. I don't know about you, but when I say something dumb out loud, I get embarrassed.

If you think illegal immigration is the biggest problem we face, you and I won't mix. Go ask a native american about immigration. No scratch that- you won't find any. The Mexicans on balance treat us better than we treat them. If they hopped on a boat and arrived via Ellis Island would that help? No? Okay, then let's stop the false advertising- you know- that lying bitch, the Statue of Liberty. Give us your tired poor huddled masses yearning to be free, my ass, huh?

It was the initial nature of man to be tribal, and when I look at fundamentalist Christians, Jews, and Muslims I'm thinking that it's probably the best we can do. I give extra credit to the Jews in as much as they do not proselytize, which is maybe the most offensive thing a faith can do. I do not excuse or condone the Israeli Jews for their treatment of the Palestinian people (and yes, Arafat was a complete cocksucker who screwed over his own people, but he is not the whole story). If you want me to convert to your religion, my terms are this: I'll only listen to you while you are having really depraved gay sex.

(Reverend Ted Haggard obliges)

What? Oh no- you can't mean that? Relax, Dorothy. It's a set-up. I don't have any problem with gay people. I actually LIKE gay people, they have style and are fun. Unlike most men, I'm not obsessed with lesbians- hey, come on now- even MORE women who have no interest in my filthy cock? Yeah, let me get all worked up over that, as if there weren't endless hetero women ready to reject my perverted advances back in the Dark Times before I met Schmoopie. My standing offer to any gay person is this: If you will be more thick skinned about words, I will defend you at every opportunity. That means, let me say something that is clearly not hateful, like "that thing over there is totally gay", and I'll do everything I can to defend your right to be openly (even flagrantly) butch or nelly or whatever you prefer in the face of any adversity. But what about the gay sex/proselytizing thing? I'm getting to that. It's a set-up because no self respecting gay person would have sex with a proselytizing religious crusader. And if Senator Larry Craig showed up to take one up the stink tube for God, then I'd have to ask them how they can convince me to convert when they themselves are actively breaking scripture (*yes, I know the King James version really doesn't have much in the way of prohibitions of gay sex- a man shall not lay with a man and all that crap- I'm mostly considering the rabid fear of gay lovin' that the fundies shout about). See? Well, if you watch a lot of professional wrestling, maybe you don't. If you aren't understanding me, you and I won't mix.

If you want to live in any kind of theocracy, or if you want to wear curtains over your head and never let anyone see your face, or if you think morality can only exist with religion, or if you don't want me to have an abortion because you think it's sinful, or if you think stem cell science is immoral, or if you want my kids to pray in school, or if you want to limit my freedom of speech to "free speech zones", or if you think flag burning should be illegal because you really don't understand that free speech is about expression and when expression or speech is truly free it's going to be painful to endure sometimes, or if you want to take away all the guns (yes, I know I don't have or want any, but I'm the last guy who'll look to ban them), or if you do not object to the jingoistic fascism that is taking over here, or if you think the naked body is dirty and needs to be concealed from view (or for that matter, if you think double vaginal/double anal porn ought to be illegal), or if you want business and liquor stores to be closed on Sunday, or if you are opposed to socialized medicine for all, or if you want capital punishment, or if you don't understand the designed and intended (albeit less than explicit) separation of church and state, either go establish what you are wanting somewhere else, or buy me out and I'll leave here.

The union of this culture has been in need of counseling for a long time, and we're looking like we need to divorce. I'll take anyone regardless of race or sexuality or gender who is capable of critical thinking, institutions of higher education and science, and the pets, and you can keep the religious zealots and the Wal*Marts, NASCAR, and all that fucking country music. It'll be hard to divide the property, since it was stolen in the first place, is now amazingly overvalued, and thanks to both of us is now fucking filthy and toxic. And I'm taking all the books, since you don't read them.


Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Heidegger, Mucous, and Drano®

So, I was taking pity on myself, and took the simple wonder "why is there so much crap in my lungs?" and marched it swiftly to the extreme "why is there anything?" when the sleeping dog nearest to me whimper-barked and farted. This made me laugh, which then made me cough, which in turn returned me to the original question about my lungs o'shit.

I'm so flippin' tired that I can't really have a protracted train of thought, and my environment is conspiring against that to boot.

The Disco Tent Challenge is still on track. My original sample entry to Johnson & Johnson (makers of Drano):

"Have you ever considered marketing Drano as a treatment for toenail fungus? It kind of burns if you soak for too long, and you should really be outside for fresh air concerns, but wow is it effective! I never really was impressed with Coca Cola as a rust remover, but your product is more than an "urban legend". They never mentioned that the hair on my feet and toes would go away, but who cares about that? I expect you'd have to clearly state that people shouldn't drink it, because some people will try anything and I'm sure drinking Drano would really mess you up."

Garnered a bona fide response:


Thank you for your email regarding DRANO® Clog Remover.

Please be aware that we don't recommend letting this product come in contact with your skin as it may burn eyes, skin and mucous membranes on contact.

If you would like to speak to a trained specialist regarding your past experiences with this product, please call our Medical Information line at 866-231-5406. They will be able to address any questions you may have.

If we can help in the future, please do not hesitate to contact us again.



Consumer Relationship Center
SC Johnson, A Family Company
Toll Free Number: 1-800-558-5252

So time is running out, but it's not too late to win this thing. I'll post submissions and announce a winner 12/25.

Many thanks to those who have mentioned the challenge.

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

I'm Sick, Not Dead

But I'm still here. In the meantime, this is in the spirit of the Disco Tent Challenge, but I'm disallowing IM chats as they are certain to draw a reply, no matter how outrageous.