Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Not So Fresh Feet

Okay, so I'm a bit of a clean freak and my particular hangup is smells- I don't like them, and don't want to have a smell of any kind. Schmoopie knows this and whenever she wants to freak me out, she merely has to hint that I have the beginnings of a smell and I'm showering with bleach and boiling myself a new outfit. Well, okay- that's a bit of an exaggeration, but not by much.

Into this neurosis, add three dogs. Fun, charismatic, filthy, dogs. The other day, Sal, the moose of a chocolate lab, comes over and sits on my bare foot. Right on it. At first, I noticed how warm it was under his ass. Then I began to wonder if he wasn't using the top of my foot as hairy toilet paper. He soon got up to go do something or another and the next dog that passed in front of me starting intently sniffing the top of my foot.

Damn it! Time to boil my feet.



Blogger meno said...

What IS that?

Your mother can't visit because you are leaving town. Then you stop anwering the phone at home during the holidays and swipe some vacation pictures from someone else and talk about what a great time you had in ________. (Tacoma)

7:59 PM  
Blogger Hammer said...

I used to have a pomerainian. He had a furry ass that would catch his poop. He used to come inside all agitated and I would have to go outside and do a full pressure hose power wash enema on the poor sombitch.

Sometimes I had to break out the scissors.

Yeah it smelled. bad...

10:15 PM  
Blogger Mrs. Chili said...

Eeew! ANAL GLANDS! Yet again, Stucco, you manage to heeb me right out!

Um, Mumsie can't come to the holidays because you've all converted to Buddhism and, of course, Buddhists don't celebrate those holidays. No - that's lame. Let me think on it a little more...

4:57 AM  
Blogger General Catz said...

I have a sensitive sniffer so i completely get you.

As for mom, don't know about thxgiving, but tell her you're no longer celebrating xmas as it's become too commercial. Or tell her you've converted to judaism.

8:09 AM  
Blogger That Guy said...

Just tell her that you'd rather she not come out so the family can enjoy their holiday.

Then tell her when she gets all upset that you were raised to tell the truth, and although you never did as a child you figured you should start now.

I did something similar to my mom, she was upset for a while but it all worked out.

12:01 PM  
Blogger TTQ said...

And that is why I married a man with no living parents. It was a prerequisite, I had been traumitized in the past once too many times.

My doberman will sit on our pillows and that disgusts me to no end.

And you really don't know what TTQ stands for?

12:32 PM  
Blogger Irrelephant said...

You could casually mention the fact that you've got to take time out from her visit to return to the Mother Ship for a few hours, that might worry her away. Or if you're favoring the religion side, there's always Scientology, guaranteed to put a chill up anyone's joxie.

3:54 PM  
Blogger Stucco said...

Hiya Meno- it's a paper towel/wetnap dispenser. And the mom plan would fail as she'll no doubt ask in plenty of time to invite herself along...

Hammer- See "The World Is A Poorer Place Without Him" from December- specifically, "The Dog"

Mrs. C- How do you think *I* felt. Call me Stinkfoot...

Generalissimo- THe religious conversion angle is popular. I was thinking biohazard.

TG- yeah, you KNOW how that would play out...

TTQ- yes, it's true. I don't know. I may have known once, but if so I've forgotten.

Irr- Joxie or juxie? Either way, it sounds tender.

9:37 PM  
Blogger Cheesy said...

Oh my gawd .. I HAVE to get one of those dispensers!!

Tell Mom that you are going to the deep woods of Oregon for the Holidays... we have plenty of room! And unless she is puter savvy and knows how to use google earth.. she will NEVER find you!

2:20 AM  
Blogger Vulgar Wizard said...

She can't come out because your feet smell like dog ass?

2:27 PM  
Blogger Jill said...

Aren't you the same guy who washed dog poop off his shoes in the kitchen sink? I'm getting conflicting information here....

10:25 AM  
Blogger Nancy Dancehall said...

She can't come because you're spending Thanksgiving with us out here.

Truth? We'll pile in the car and head out thataway.

Ok. That's MY dream...

6:06 PM  
Blogger Stucco said...

Cheesy- yeah, like you'd want someone like me milling about the state. I'd ruin it for everyone I'm sure.

VW- You cut me deep!

Jilly- I can't seem to call you "Jill". That doesn't seem right- too formal. The answer is yes and no. Yes I washed dog shit off my shoes in the kitchen sink, because I am not my shoes. When it's on ME is when I get all wiggedy whack.

Pants- Nope. Too late- you're committed. I'll leave it to you to break it to O. We'll plan on your presence for Thanksgiving. Legally binding, you see? Yup.

6:36 PM  
Blogger Cheesy said...

Yea.. but we COULD rack it up to a bigfoot sighting!

9:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

just laughed pretty hard. Tell your mom you cant have her over, cause, gosh, she should know, she raised you.If she pauses and says 0h right. I'll laugh a little more!

2:57 PM  

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