Summer of My Disco Tent

Smart and Dumb

2011-06-20T12:22:00.005-07:00

Well, it was inevitable I suppose, that in light of Kindle/Nook/iPad/Whatever adoption actual paper books are going to disappear (see: this hysteria). This is ridiculous of course, in the same way that radio never actually went away. I'd yield more ground if the death knoll had been for newspapers, but not books. Here are some reasons why-

* Books don't require anything (with the possible exceptions of literacy and ambient light)

Okay, so the end of the world comes around (next year- right?) and any of us that survive it will be in a new stone age or something. Presuming the survivors aren't dumb ass Philistines or bibliophobes and don't use books as kindling or toilet paper, surviving books will still function. Hell, if kids "learn to read" books survive, they can even teach people how to read. What other technology does as well with autonomous self-instruction? We sent that record on Voyager with Chuck Berry and Louis Armstrong on it, as well as instructions on how to play it, but that's a long shot.

* Books do not derive their value from currency (as in "recentness")

Yes, some do (is anyone interested in "Balloon Boy's autobiography?) but most books are not meant to be an up to the minute source for whatever they cover. Technical publications are probably the worst for this, but on balance books are meant to reflect the spirit of the time in which they were written, and in this way, have a legacy that will be difficult for any electronic resource to match. The fuzzy area here is what to think of Google digitizing old newspapers and books. While I approve of this work, I also regard it as "e-ersatz".

* Books are barely affected by changes in technology.

No, you can't read that. It was written in WordPerfect 1.0 for DOS 3.3 (or whatever) and is on an 8" diskette (yes, I mean 8"- not the johnny-come-lately 5.25" or 3.5" varieties). Maybe it was only ever on Betamax or LaserDisk. We have a problem with other storage media types that are less pronounced with books. Hell, how old are those Dead Sea Scrolls? Fast forward that far again into the future and present them with a book or a ZIP disk. Can you still even buy ZIP disks? Oh, perhaps relatedly, had you heard that the last maker of typewriters was calling it quits? Well, it turns out that there is another company still in the game, but no one makes a manual (not powered) model anymore. I think I might want to grab an old Underwood, come to think of it...

* Books are remarkably permanent.

Short of fire or flood, a book does a great job of enduring time. Pages will yellow (depending on a number of factors including the acidity of the paper and environmental details) but they still can be read. Do I care if it's a first edition, signed copy? Not really. I collect books on and from World War I, and these are close to 100 years old now, and they can be anywhere from pristine to pieces, but they are all readable.

* Books offer better non-repudiation.

That is to say, that if I publish a book in which I say Margaret Thatcher's feet smell like liver and onions, then I can't as easily distance myself from that later, as I could if it were an online entry. I have seen things disappear online. It doesn't happen often, but it does happen. It is harder to make things vanish when they are tangible. This is not the same as accuracy or factuality- I can be fully off the mark with respect to Mrs. Thatcher's podiatric aroma, even willfully lie- but that's a problem that transcends the medium.

So, okay- some loose loony is hoarding books in shipping containers. That's as good a hobby as most. Of course, if instead of shrink wrapping them and storing them away, they were circulated and people were encourage to read them, it might lead to, oh- I don't know... Enlightenment? Knowledge? Critical thinking?

No- I'm just bullshitting. There's no chance of that. I say seal them up and leave them in a cave for the next dominant species on this rock. I bet they'd really get a laugh out of Glenn Beck's book.

Troll Badges?

2011-04-28T09:58:00.001-07:00

This is an interesting trend.

Today's Adventure...

2010-08-19T14:02:00.001-07:00

http://imgur.com/w0XNR.jpg

iPad Considerations

2010-05-13T13:29:00.002-07:00

So I've recently re-subscribe to Wired magazine (seriously? $10/year?) and the cover story from a recent issue was this article about the impact of the iPad. I have had some time to observe this hype and get hands on with the device and can say that in one area I am in total agreement with the Wired article. The iPad, for better or for worse, has started a long overdue conversation about the basic relationship we have with computers.

For far too long, the "meatspace" has been dealing with a keyboard, a display, and a mouse-like input device. Even the evolution of portable systems was 25 years ago or more. Since then, what has happened? Refinement, but not re-thinking. As much as I adore my spiffy aluminum/aluminium MacBook Pro, it's the same song and dance as my old Digital Hi-Note Ultra. This willingness to accept the same old crap is also why flying in an airplane today is like a crowded Greyhound bus. No matter what you make of the iPad, kudos to Jobs and company for making waves.

And, on the subject of credit due, let's be sure to point out the blunders that have let Apple walk away with the market lead with out even a challenge (save one, which I'll get to in a moment). Microsoft has been navel gazing with a product code named/called Courier. This could have made it to market possibly before the iPad if Microsoft had any will or direction about what to do with it. No, instead they killed it off after the iPad had sold a swift million units.

Shortly before the iPad popped up, Microsoft showed off Windows 7 based tablets, including a real slick iPad-looking affair made by HP called the Slate. This was supposed to be ready by the end of 2010. Okay, well, that's something I guess. By then the iPad would have probably passed 10 million units, but whatever- at least it'd be an option. Then, as a bit of a surprise, HP bought Palm and killed the Windows 7 based Slate. They now intend to run the Palm OS on the same or similar tablet device and hopefully by the years end. *sigh*

Google, now the subject of considerable Apple bitterness, has announced that they are working with Verizon (and presumably the phone hardware maker HTC) to make a tablet device that will run the Google-spawned, open source phone operating system Android. Humph. By the time this gets to market I'll be trimming my bountiful thatch of ear hair, common to old men. Plus, Verizon is only a few ticks better than AT&T, so this isn't great news from a cost expectation or service perspective.

So with all these "johnny-come-latelies" clamoring to get their "me too!" products to market, what the hell does exist as an option? That's an area with room for debate. For example, would you consider the iPod Touch or the iPhone a competitor to the iPad? I don't, but I can see validity in the idea that these devices are alternatives. Really, only the eBook readers and netbooks cover any of this ground.

Netbooks are certainly not as elegant or polished as the iPad, but then they are capable of more, and are often half or less the price of the iPad. I have a netbook that runs the Mac OS (an MSI Wind) and with that I can do a full 95% of what the iPad can do, and several things it can't. The netbook is limited by battery life (usually 2-3 hours, versus the iPad ~10 hours) and are bulkier with an archaic interface. eBook readers like the Kindle, Nook, and Sony devices cover a different area, and I suspect will remain popular with dedicated book readers. They eschew color screens in favor of a paper-white display that (unlike the iPad) can be read in any lighting including direct sunlight, and they hold a charge for two weeks or so.

These two devices in my view represent the competition for the iPad, and when costs are taken into account, I can see why Apple has been so successful. There is no reason for an eBook reader to cost more than $100, and I expect that price point will happen in short order, and certainly by the holiday season. Hell, these should be loss-leaders for the booksellers who make ~$10 per eBook. Regardless of a serious upheaval in the pricing models used, I think eReaders will survive. Netbooks on the other hand, are in for real trouble. There are some devoted geeks like me that will buy a netbook and tinker with it, but I don't think this is representative of the overall sales that have happened to date. I would be interested in seeing metrics of sales numbers for both of these categories (eBook readers and netbooks) for this year, and my expectation is that the numbers would show that netbooks are the item most hurt by the iPad.

Interestingly, I think the iPad is being purchased by people who are less technically inclined, versus the avid geek types. Look around at the buyers and you'll see what I mean. My mother and wife are way more inclined to use one than I am, and I'm the prototypical "early adopter". To me, this says that the iPad is not finished, or not adequately filling a need. Whatever the reasons that make the die hard techies less enthusiastic about this will probably be addressed in the next revision, and that will be the game changer. Meanwhile the window of time is closing for any would-be iPad killers.

What Next? Windows 7 Tentacle Porn?

2010-05-13T13:24:00.000-07:00

Telly-nomics

2010-03-09T12:03:00.012-08:00

We haven't had cable TV for over two years now and are getting along nicely without it. Periodically, I'm asked about our home TV setup, because to the casual observer it looks like we're getting something for nothing, and in many respects that's true. It's not all that complicated to wean yourself from the teat of Cable or Satellite providers, but getting it all bits together can seem daunting. See if this helps.

Point One- Metrics and Variables

How much do you pay for TV service? What is that number annually? Is it bigger than $500? How many (non broadcast) channels do you watch? Can you count on your fingers all the shows that you really care about? Jot these answers down, and we'll come back to them. For me, these were the numbers-

Former Monthy Dish Bill: ~$75.00 (basic and HD package on one TV, with no DVR)
Annual cost: ~$900
Channels watched: 4 (Discovery, Comedy Central, History, and ESPN- during football season)
Counting on fingers? Yes

Point Two - Opportunity and Options

Do you live in a metropolitan area big enough to have local network affiliates like ABC, CBS, CW, Fox, NBC, and PBS?

Sorry Havana, North Dakota. Do you know since the digital television cutover, most of these stations are now able to broadcast multiple channels in the same frequency as they used to use for just the one channel? You now see decimal channel numbers, like 4.1 and 4.2, etc. in that all live in the spectrum that used to just be channel 4. Did you also know that these channels are broadcast in HD that is in every way better than what you get from Satellite providers? Huh? Yup. Crazy but true. Satellite providers send you the same shows in the same resolutions (more on this in a sec), but they compress the image to save bandwidth (more on this in two seconds), and loose image quality in the process.

* Explanation one- When you hear the pimply headed salestard at Best Buy say "blah blah blah ten-eighty-pee!" do you know what he's on about?

Well, odds are, he doesn't either, but here goes. Resolution. Huh? "Like megapixels?" you say. More or less, yes. The images are made up of dots of light (okay, don't bust my balls- strictly speaking there are three dots of primary colors that work together to act as one dot of any particular color you need, but that's really looking up the telly's dress). So, you have these "dots" and when bunched up with a gazillion of their friends make up the picture you see. How many dots matters to the picture, and is influenced by the overall dimensions. For example, if I have 10,000 dots, I could arrange them in a grid of 100x100. If that grid is on my phone and is two inches or so, I'm probably looking at a decent screen. Suppose I spread those dots over a one foot square. Bleh. It's a fucking Lite-Brite. With me so far? Great. Now, scale stuff up to the gajillion dot size and say we're looking at a couple of 30" tellys. One has 1,920 dots of light by width, and 1,080 dots by height (being a rectangle and all) and the other has 1,280 across and 720 high- both being 30" screens. The first one will look sharper than the second, because there are more dots of light relative to the overall dimensions. That one is the 1080p and the other one is the 720p. Oh, and the "p" stands for "progressive", and that means that when it draw the image, it starts with row one, then draws row two, and so on. This is as opposed to interlacing (like 1080i and 720i) where these displays draw rows 1, 3, 5, 7 and so on, then come back and draw rows 2, 4, 6, and 8. I don't think you can find interlaced screens anymore, so that's not going to be on the test.

** Explanation two- Bandwidth. It's a nerd term for sure, but it's a big deal. I'll try to keep this simple. Go to McDonalds and grab a straw. Now go to Niagara Falls and try to funnel all that falling water through your McDonalds straw. Frustrating, right? That's not enough bandwidth for the job. It's the same for the satellite folks. They have a limited number of McDonalds straws, and they want to get as much corn-syrupy goodness through it as they can, so they start squeezing things to the extent that they start removing ingredients. Maybe you'll still get tooth decay and empty calories, but you'll know you aren't getting the "good stuff". To a lesser degree this also applies to the wired Cable companies. They have bigger straws, but they still compress. The only uncompressed (or nearly uncompressed) signals you are likely to see are local HD broadcasts, and Blu-ray high definition DVD's.

Point two stroke "i"- The Internet

It's not just for porn, you know? Odds are, you can get most of the things you watch online, and many of those for free. There are occasions (football season) where without Cable or Satellite television you won't see out-of-market games. The NFL is apparently now offering online packages that will stream these too online, but I've not tried the service, and I'll be damned if I'm going to pay them.

(Take a breath)
I'll be shifting gears in a moment to talk about hardware and fancy stuff, so before I do, let me recap- keep in mind how much you are spending, where you live, and what shows you really care about. In all likelihood, you will be able to get everything you are after in an a la carte manner for less money, but to know for sure we have to survey some hardware needs.

Assumptions About Your Telly:

I'm expecting that your telly is at least capable of 720p, but hope that you could support 1080p. I'd also expect that you have at least one free HDMI or DVI input on the telly.

HDMI

DVI

These two are basically the same thing (shape notwithstanding) but the HDMI has audio and video, where DVI just has video.

Optionally, you may have a stereo receiver or home theatre audio system in the same place as the telly, and you may want to run sound through it, in which case you'll need some available input to the receiver. I'm not going to go to deeply here. If you are that much of an audiophile, you'll already know analog from digital inputs.

I'm also expecting that you'll have somewhere you can put an antenna. In fact, let me start from here. Most of the time, the $10 "rabbit ear" antennas are all you need to tune in local off-air digital television, but if you are a bit farther out of town, you may want to invest in one of these outdoor varieties.

I picked up one online for ~$50 because at the time I needed it for my local Fox affiliate. Since then however, they (Fox) have added "repeaters" (other station numbers that broadcast the same thing) that I can tune in with any old bit of foil or wire, so don't rush out and spend on an antenna until you know that you need to. There was a window of time when televisions were being sold without tuners- you couldn't just hook an antenna into them and see something. This practice appeared to end about two years ago, so if your set is of that age have a look first (or ask an 11 year old). If in fact you need an antenna, have a look here first at Antennaweb to see what type you'll need given your area and distances from the transmitters.

Okay, so at this juncture you could hook an antenna to your telly and see what you have locally off-air. That's a good start, but there is still much to do.

In order to have something that compares to Cable or Satellite, you're going to need to [begin the "Poindexter" voice] ENHANCE IT WITH TECHNOLOGY!!!

That means a computer. You could use anything really, but in this capacity, I am endorsing a Mac Mini.

If you are a Windows-only-friend-of-Bill, that's cool. I'm merely saying I think the Mini is the best tool for the job, but you can adjust this general advice to your Windows system of preference if that makes you feel better. Before I get started on the Mini, let me mention a category that has potential but is not quite there:

Close, But No Cigar Department-

XBox 360's, PLayStations, Netflix-enabled Blu-Ray players, and the like. These get pretty close to the mark, but without the ability to access the Internet natively (in a conventional browser), I'm going to disqualify them. Also, the inability to access iTunes is a disqualifier.

The "Media PC" (or Mac, as it were)

I'm using and advocating the bottom-of-the-barrel Mac Mini, which is still a spendy $599 (unless on sale/refurbished). Why? For a variety of reasons, which should become clear as I describe the ways I use this system. For starters, it is very quiet and power efficient. Apple claims it's the most power efficient desktop around, and I expect that's true. 110Watts max, 1.5Watts sleeping, and 20Watts idle- those are very low numbers for a computer. Why does it matter? I leave it on 24/7. That means leaving it on and idle all month (figuring the nation average $0.11/kWh) it costs me $1.58 on the electric bill. I assure you that 99.9% of the Windows machines around will cost you plenty more. Now obviously it's not idle all month, and I plug in an external drive to it as well, but you get my point. Additionally, it's VERY quiet. I don't know why Windows users aren't more demanding about noise, but that is the hallmark of a Microsoft system. Enough fans to get liftoff. Listen to an XBox 360 some time. You can hear mine outside the room. For watching telly, this background noise issue is significant. Also, depending on the version of Mini, it has a digital output that is easily adapted to HDMI or DVI.

Other than a keyboard and mouse (which thanks to remote access seldom get touched), the only things plugged into the Mini are an external 1TB disk drive and an Elgato EyeTV Hybrid:

That is a digital TV tuner for the computer. One end is a coaxial cable jack (where you'd plug in your antenna) and the other is a USB plug. At a little over $100, it turns the Mini into a DVR and supports full 1080p HD resolutions. That means I can record off-air stuff at a quality that is akin to Blu-Ray. I'll admit that I'm not wild about the software that is the "TV Guide" role- it's pretty awful, but the TV tuning software is solid. I can rewind live broadcasts and all that fancy stuff too. Now, you may be wondering why I need this, and in the strictest sense, I don't. My telly has a tuner built in, and I could watch off-air broadcasts that way, but by having this little guy, I can record, rewind, schedule, etc. Plus, I don't have to change interfaces when I want to watch the off-air instead of all the other things I might watch.

The Mini also is an "upsampling" DVD player. This means that it tries to make the images of all my existing regular DVD's look better on the larger screen by adding data to the image. There are mathematical algorithms for this that take the known signal and stretch it out a bit and work to fill in the gaps. Yes, that's an oversimplification, but the idea is that the DVD player included with the Mini is as good as you are likely to find short of some HD standard like HD-DVD (which was abandoned like Betamax) and Blu-Ray.

I put the Mini on my home Internet connection, an that allows me to use iTunes to buy shows. A lot of shows. Only the ones I'm interested in, and I get to own them. I keep them on that external hard drive (which is backed up elsewhere) and can watch whatever I like whenever I want. The HD downloads from iTunes are not Blu-Ray quality, but they are better than DVD. The pricing for shows still seems high for shows that I want to see but not keep, but it's still a fair value when compared to what a box set of DVD's would cost.

"But hey- wait a minute- what if I want to burn these shows to DVD and/or share them? Isn't there copy-protection DRM crap on those?"

Why yes, Redbeard, there are measures designed to keep you from piracy, and while I won't for a moment pretend that the copyright laws are defendable, I also won't tell you how to get past this. I will only say that it is possible and pretty easy to do.

Next up is Hulu.com. If you don't know this one already, it's a site that streams a lot of television programming over the web with considerably fewer commercials than what you see on Cable, Satellite, or off-air. The video quality is not as good as iTunes, but it is watchable, and unlike iTunes, you need not download something before you watch it. There are some networks that also stream shows online in a similar manner, like Comedy Central and Fox. These resources are free and cover much of what you pay for with Cable/Satellite.

In the legally grey area, there are ways in which you can download television shows that are of a good resolution and commercial free online. These appear to be from other people with computer attached tellys that have recorded these shows and shared them online. I don't know the likelihood of my getting sued for downloading some off-air show that I forgot to record or missed from some other person online (like Fringe on Fox- one my only passions), but this again is where the ugly specter of copyright law rushes in to screw everything up. Let's just leave it at this- there are ways to download shows (maybe every show you care about) for free. Is that scrupulous? Doubtful. But then, NO ONE in the television industry has scruples. When in Rome, bugger the mangy bastards.

I reconcile my inclination toward a life of crime by paying for Netflix, which also has a very good and commercial free streaming service. I have the three DVD plan and that's >$20/month. The library of shows is big enough that I'm never at a loss for something of interest, and getting disks in the mail is a nice thing too.

So let me recap the viewing options-

Off-air programming- ABC (x2), CBS (x2), CW, Fox (x2), NBC (x2), PBS (x3, but one is Español), and like 5 more independent networks that never seem to have anything I want to see, though the Asian one is a trip when I've been drinking.

DVD's- I have hundreds, and Netflix sends more.

iTunes- Lots of shows to buy from a long list of cable networks.

Hulu.com - Lots of shows to watch free online from a list of networks

(optional for an added cost) Netflix- Tons of DVD's delivered and a good number of streaming commercial free choices

Piracy- enough said.

The Numbers-

Monthly recurring cost- >$20 (for the Netflix- and other plans cost less)
* I don't include the negligible iTunes spending, since it would otherwise go to DVD sets.

One time hardware costs- $725 (the Mini and the EyeTV)

Two year total under this model- >$1205

Two year total previously- ~$1800.

Savings (in the first two years) >$595

And the real benefit is that even two years old, the Mini is still serviceable and going strong. December 2010 will be three years and that will only help my overall savings. The real barrier of entry financially was the cost of the Mac Mini, and if you can reduce that (or already have one) than the number become even more advantageous. Plus, I don't have to give a penny to goddamn Comcast- a company so shitty they had to change their name. Plus, being able to have a computer in the house with a nice 46" screen is a blast.

Summary-

Clearly, one size cannot fit all, but I think most people would benefit from this topology. When I speak of this to others, they so far have been unable to name one thing that they care about (save for out of market live sports) that this doesn't deliver. If I've missed anything, please let me know.

And no- I won't come over and hook it up for you. Well... Not without a bribe of Scotch.

Spanking Wisdom

2010-03-05T15:34:00.002-08:00

I like to jerk off to American Apparel ads as much as any man, but here's a tip to their ~~pornographers~~ ad agency:

The boobies are supposed to stick out more than the lower ribs. Somebody get that crazy bitch a sammich, STAT!

More Racists

2010-02-28T20:44:00.003-08:00

So, apparently white America was cool with a black President, but black America isn't ready for white people winning a dance contest.

May I take this moment to say YOU ARE ALL FUCKING RETARDED. I used to invite people such as this to stop breeding. That's taking too long. Now I invite them to stop breathing.

No No No No No No

2010-02-25T16:33:00.001-08:00

Johnny-Stewart-Come-Lately.... If you all are going to make handlebars popular, Ima hafta change my shit up...

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c

Summit's Eve

www.thedailyshow.com

Daily Show
Full Episodes

Political Humor

Vancouverage 2010

What's Wrong With People?

2010-01-23T16:20:00.002-08:00

I Shouldn't Laugh...

2010-01-22T14:41:00.002-08:00

Uhm... When you look like that? Shot in the dark.

Fuck...

2010-01-21T17:13:00.001-08:00

That's it for me then.

Gott Mit Uns!

2010-01-18T13:05:00.002-08:00

Is anyone really surprised by this? I am so sick of being surrounded by people of faith, I'm ready for the space aliens to come take me away. Indelicate anal probing has got to be better than enduring this sort of brain-dead dogmatic horseshit.

Better idea- why not have all the Christians line up against all the Muslims until they all have killed one another (as Jesus and Allah clearly want) so the rest of us can try to become civilized? Actually, if that works, let's line up the Mormons against the Jehovah's Witnesses and let them proselytize each other to death, and then we can just go throw lit matches at the Scientologists.

Whale Sperm?

2010-01-15T11:45:00.002-08:00

Whale sperm, pickles and the pain reliever codeine will be considered essential goods in Venezuela and receive a preferential exchange rate under President Hugo Chavez’s new currency structure. Bleach, cheese and whisky have been deemed nonessential.

Say what?

More

Are We There Yet?

2010-01-07T13:11:00.002-08:00

From 1917:

Spies and Lies

German agents are everywhere, eager to gather scraps of news about our men, our ships, our munitions. It is still possible to get such information through to Germany, where thousands of these fragments—often individually harmless—are patiently pieced together into a whole which spells death to American soldiers and danger to American homes.
But while the enemy is most industrious in trying to collect information, and his systems elaborate, he is not superhuman—indeed he is often very stupid, and would fail to get what he wants were it not deliberately handed to him by the carelessness of loyal Americans.
Do not discuss in public, or with strangers, any news of troop and transport movements, or bits of gossip as to our military preparations, which come into your possession.
Do not permit your friends in service to tell you—or write you—"inside" facts about where they are, what they are doing and seeing.
Do not become a tool of the Hun by passing on the malicious, disheartening rumors which he so eagerly sows. Remember he asks no better service than to have you spread his lies of disasters to our soldiers and sailors, gross scandals in the Red Cross, cruelties, neglect and wholesale executions in our camps, drunkenness and vice in the Expeditionary Force, and other tales certain to disturb American patriots and to bring anxiety and grief to American parents.
And do not wait until you catch someone putting a bomb under a factory. Report the man who spreads pessimistic stories, divulges—or seeks—confidential military information, cries for peace, or belittles our efforts to win the war.
Send the names of such persons, even in they are in uniform, to the Department of Justice, Washington. Give all the details you can, with names of witnesses if possible—show the Hun that we can beat him at his own game of collecting scattered information and putting it to work. The fact that you made the report will not become public.
You are in contact with the enemy today, just as truly as if you faced him across No Man's Land. In your hands are two powerful weapons with which to meet him—discretion and vigilance. Use them."

COMMITTEE ON PUBLIC INFORMATION

8 Jackson Place, Washington, D.C.

George Creel, Chairman
The Secretary of State
The Secretary of War
The Secretary of the Navy

Berlusconi, Guidos, and Baby Steps

2009-12-13T14:36:00.002-08:00

So Silvio the Italian one man empire got popped by someone with some sort of statuette or something in his hand.
Couldn't happen to a nicer megalomaniac.

Then there is the "girl" on an MTV show called "Jersey Shore" who gets socked in a bar after taunting some Jersey man-child.

I'm okay with all of these things. Why? Because the plutocratic oligarchs SHOULD feel unwelcome in public. Get back into your gilded cages. And anyone who willingly deals with "Guido's" also forfeits the right to civil treatment. Pearls before swine.

And where are the equal rights for women people regarding this dipshit girl getting hit? One man hits another taunting man at a bar, and so what- but make one of them a girl, and all of a sudden it's somehow different? Assholes are assholes, regardless of chromosomes and genitals. It's not like anyone you'll run into today is a Lady or a Gentleman- this would require being an actual adult, which is, less face it, not fun. So as long as we're all just violent overgrown children with an aversion to critical thinking, let's celebrate that the perpetrators of these two uncivil acts chose to use their fists instead of firearms. Everyone lived, and if the stars align properly, maybe one of them will learn something.

Baby steps.

Fuck St. Louis

2009-11-19T09:08:00.002-08:00

St. Louis, town of my early formative years, you are dead to me. This has been coming for some time, what with your inbred xenophobic racist brand of religious conservatism. I tried to hold out hope in no small part because of your world class museums and symphony, and alas, formerly world class newspaper, the Post-Distatch.

Now that the Post-Dispatch has shown me their true colors (see back story here), I tear my clothes (see Kriah) and move on.

Enjoy your fundamentalist, theocratic, evolution-denying, race-baiting, oppressive, economically distressed, uneducated futures.

Pussies.

P.S. The Cardinals have been shitty since '85. Yeah, I said it. "Poo holes" is not just that one guy...

What're You Doing?

2009-11-05T19:11:00.001-08:00

Don't Make Me...

2009-11-05T18:48:00.001-08:00

It would take 39 shots of Scotch to kill me

Created by Bar Stools

Starting To Think I Wouldn't Fit In ANYWHERE

2009-10-26T09:16:00.001-07:00

I'm Busy Practicing This...

2009-10-18T12:28:00.001-07:00

Cadbury Eyebrows from Nils-Petter Lovgren on Vimeo.

Go Ahead, Ask Me

2009-10-17T15:15:00.003-07:00

In fairness, that one question I missed was due to me counting the Haliburton-cum-Xe contractors as "military personnel". Here's the link to take the test

More Evidence That Microsoft STILL Doesn't "Get it"

2009-10-16T12:51:00.003-07:00

Exhibit A: From a company that wants to (re)define the future, this joint looks like a Wal*Mart. Cramped, shitty visibility, "lanes" to steer the cattle, er, customers from place to place... Formerly they were so good at copying the successful ideas of others (an I don't just mean Apple). This scene does not "wow" me, nor is it likely to "wow" anyone else. Hell, I've been in more impressive Best Buys, and they are shitty too.

Exhibit B: I like a girl with long hair and a good bootay, but what the fuck is up with that shopping cart? And soviet grey to boot? Holy shit, they've lost the script. I look forward to having an argument at the Microsoft store about the dent in my car door from a runaway fucking shopping cart that escaped the "corral". No- no, I take it all back. Pushing a cold war looking shopping cart through the maze they have there with one cart wheel wildly shaking back an forth is as poetic a tribute to this mediocrity as I can imagine.

Isn't anyone excited about technology anymore?

Really?

2009-10-15T09:04:00.001-07:00

I'm Busy Or Something

2009-09-19T15:31:00.002-07:00

Formative Things, Part VII

2009-09-16T13:50:00.001-07:00

This is the origin of the "Plasma! Dog Plasma!" line that I use sometimes, as well as "Yer a good kid".

Come On, Number 8!

2009-09-12T14:59:00.003-07:00

I went to the track the other day. You can bet on "Win", "Place", or "Show", but there is no betting method where you pick the absolute LAST horse- the one that may have to be put down there on the track. It's a shame, because I can TOTALLY pick that horse.

Still, good times. Amazing people watching.

Lessons Not Learned

2009-08-20T08:44:00.002-07:00

The Scots have released the man convicted of the Pan-Am/Lockerbie bombing drawing criticism from the White House, and countless other so-called "Christians" who wouldn't recognize compassion or forgiveness if their lives depended on it.

The person in question is dying of prostate cancer, and will suffer more as a result of this than any any other penal program excepting those used at Gitmo. It's refreshing to see that there are other cultures on this little rock that "get it" and I find it fascinating that they tend to be the least religious groups around.

Whereas here, in the "God blessed" "land of the free", we find this sort of thing (from the linked article above):
Kara Weipz, of Mt Laurel, New Jersey, who lost her 20-year-old brother Richard Monetti, said: "I don't understand how the Scots can show compassion. It is an utter insult and utterly disgusting.

Compassion is an insult and utterly disgusting. I don't think that's in the King James version, but I'm no seminarian.

Maybe I'd Fit In Among The Germans More Than The Japanese?

2009-07-20T10:48:00.003-07:00

EDIT: Original ad was pulled, but you can see it below starting at 0:45.

The Line Between Genius and Madness

2009-07-19T16:02:00.002-07:00

Part II-

Fucked Up

2009-07-17T21:41:00.002-07:00

No, I just got some dust in my eye. Why are we still letting this happen?

Better Living Through Drugs, Part 1 - Marijuana

2009-07-17T16:08:00.002-07:00

So, I was reading this bitter screed from a guy who ~~was~~ IS still a nerd/geek/misfit, and it's difficult to quantify the anger and hurt this guy is carrying around. He was picked on and now wants his kids to be little Jackie Chan types or something. It seems sad to me the whole way around- he can't forgive the assholes in his past, and he's instilling his neuroses into his kids.

I know a thing or two about being abnormal, and I can tell you that there is a cure to the social perils that accompany this role. Get high.

No, I'm not being flip, I have direct experiences here. I had the saving grace of being 6' in the summer between 6th and 7th grade, so regular ass-kickings were less likely for me, but I was as dorky as possible, and may have set records for my ~~horniness~~ hormone imbalances. I was for sure a target for the cool/rich/not dorky types, but I had an ace up my sleeve. I was stoned regularly.

Seriously- you religious types may want to consider that God may have invented Marijuana just for the benefit of adolescents. It's a miserable awful time, and dope is a fantastic remedy. When I was high, people were easier to deal with. I was calmer. I laughed more.

And in my case, I sold dope to the in crowd and I earned goodwill and a little profit. Looking back, I don't have this kind of baggage, and I credit dope. To paraphrase Hunter S. Thompson, I'd hate to recommend illegal drugs to anybody, but they worked for me.

Legalize it.

I Don't Have Cable- Is This How Things Are Now?

2009-07-13T14:19:00.001-07:00

New Live Poll Allows Pundits To Pander To Viewers In Real Time

Yet More Proof That Beer Is For The Tasteless...

2009-07-02T15:17:00.001-07:00

Useless Fucking Liar

2009-06-16T09:05:00.002-07:00

Promised to have all legislation available for public review 5 days before signing. Number of times that's happened? Zero.

Will not reveal the visitor/guest list for the White House. Hey sucko- that's OUR FUCKING PROPERTY. Publish the list you sneaky fucking charlatan.

Still two wars. Still no healthcare. What was all that shit about "change"? I'm so Goddamned sick of this prick.

Aside- Has it occurred to anyone else that the Iranians are more "American" than we are? We have a suspect election, and people yawn and keep eating chicken nuggets. There, they have a suspect election and they riot for days until they get what they want. I don't want to live there, but it's refreshing to see SOME culture that respects the vote.

Why I Think I Might Be Japanese, Part IV

2009-06-12T19:47:00.001-07:00

I especially recommend the bit that begins at about 2:10, but then, I'm a perv.

Troubling IT Oriented Development

2009-06-09T19:01:00.006-07:00

This man was named KT Ligesh and he lived in Bangalore India, where he created software and owned a company called LXLabs. Among other things, his company made a product that enabled VPS'es- that's "virtual private servers". Without getting too geeky, it was a platform primarily for hosting websites. It was well regarded, and his business had been doing quite well.

Then some hackers found a vulnerability in the code he created and were able to destroy something like 100,000 websites. Totally gone. There are businesses that use the software to manage hosted websites- tens of thousands of websites, and they are sort of up a creek now, but that's looking comparatively like small potatoes.

You see, KT Ligesh was found dead yesterday. He hanged himself.

Now, things are not as 'cause and effect' as this may appear. He had apparently been unable to reconcile the suicide of his mother and sister, and had been drinking heavily. However, I think it's safe to say that he was certainly troubled by the security breach that has caused so much pain and anger among the web hosts and their customers.

Here's the odd follow up / twist- while there are 24 known serious bugs in the software he created, the means by which the hackers did all this damage was probably unrelated to any of them. According to this site the baddies had previously compromised the systems and had been recording passwords and (they say) credit card data. Is their account credible? Could they be spinning this tragedy to ameliorate their guilt? Who knows?

The bottom line is that (to my awareness) this is the first time that a malicious action has caused (my interpretation) the death of an IT colleague. It gives me pause. I take pride in my work, but it's not my life. I hope the same is true for all the rest of us in the wire trenches.

Post-Racial My Ass

2009-06-07T13:29:00.004-07:00

Can someone please explain to me how it is that Willie Nelson is free to get high and sell biodiesel, we're encouraging businesses to move to the Cayman Islands to avoid paying taxes, and via TARP funding, we're throwing fantastic amounts of good money after bad, and Wesley Snipes is in jail? Seriously, what the fuck? He didn't pay his taxes. Neither did Timothy fucking Geithner and he's the secretary of the goddamned treasury.

Oh- I get it. Snipes is black. How dare he?

I'm so sick of this idiotic fucking culture.

Once In A Great While

2009-06-03T14:59:00.003-07:00

I have my ipod play randomly throughout the day at work, and I can focus on my work for the most part with the music as a background- except when Seal's debut album comes on. Like whichever Seinfeld character that was that got hypnotized by the Eagles song Witchy Woman, I sort of zone out. And seriously- for a debut album, this thing is insanely good. The musical qualities, and the production qualities are way beyond what anyone would expect from a new artist. It's entirely possible that he peaked right out of the gate, and must (with his supermodel wife) accept his decline into mediocracy.

And why doesn't this happen more often? Deep Forest is the same way- one good release and then crap.

Retards

2009-05-28T14:01:00.004-07:00

In case you can't quite read that, it says "Firefox: most popular search engine after Microsoft and Apple". In case it needs saying, Firefox is not a search engine, Microsoft just renamed their search engine "Bing" (seriously), and Apple doesn't have a search engine. If it was meant to be a quote, than they need to buy a subject- that is to say [what] is the most popular search engine after Microsoft and Apple (notwithstanding the matter of Apple not having one). Not that I expect anything accurate from Fox- remember, this is the outfit that went all the way to the Supreme Court to affirm their "right" to lie.

Related: Conservatism and cognitive ability are negatively correlated. Let me try that in smaller word for any Republican passers by: Tha more right wing y'all are, tha more it means you has the dumb. The baby Jesus told some sigh-uhn-teests.

The Fresh New Fit Face of Totalitarianism

2009-05-11T21:49:00.002-07:00

Read this.

For fuck's sake- REI in Seattle? I bet I'd get less fucked over by singing showtunes in a Bass Pro Shop in Ala-fucking-bama. Maybe it's time for them to stock waterboards by the kayaks? Tazers by the GPS units? And when did ~~Blackwater~~ Xe, get in the ATM feeding business?

If any of you work for REI in Seattle, shame on you. Rest assured that if some proto-Nazi, mouth breathing, jack booted ATM protecting rent-a-fuck ever was on you like that, I'd be going to the pokey with you. How the hell do people stand by and let this crazy shit happen?

How Times Have Changed, Vol IX.

2009-05-10T12:35:00.003-07:00

I can remember when being a Trekkie, meant you were NEVER getting laid. Color me jealous.

Fucking Religious People

2009-05-07T18:08:00.002-07:00

Start here: http://www.denverpost.com/breakingnews/ci_12286425

Now here's my solution:

Give a kid a gun and when he gets into the van, just start shooting motherfuckers. When the Filth show up, have the kid tell them that the fundies were trying to kidnap, waterboard, and sexually assault him. Then sue that church for their property.

This sort of shit is what not having any natural predators will do to a culture.

Random Thoughts and Scheiße

2009-05-01T14:08:00.002-07:00

In Arkansas, Maryland, Mississippi, North Carolina, South Carolina, Tennesee, and Texas, there are laws that prohibit atheists from holding office, despite these laws being clearly unconstitutional.

In Massachusetts, blasphemy can get you a year in jail.

Pork sales are down due to fears over Swine Flu (that is to say, people think you can get it from eating pork).

Religion isn't an opiate, it's a crutch. Some people need crutches. Most people use the crutch of religion because they are lazy. I have no use for, and eroding tolerance of either group.

There is a critical flaw in the Scientific Method, which is that hypothesis development is limited by imagination.

These things are fun.

I made a funny recollection/connection today while walking home from the bus stop- I remembered an episode of Beavis and Butt-head, where they were reading some sign and while tracing the text with his finger, Butt-head said "Words, words, words..." Today I made the connection that this is what Hamlet said to Polonius when asked what he read. I bet Mike Judge did this intentionally. It made me laugh again.

I bought a copy of Don Quixote today. I remember reading it a LONG time ago, and in looking at this, I'm certain that I read an abridged copy. From my recollections, I'm feeling a stronger connection to the man from La Mancha than ever before. I need to re-read it and see if I'm remembering it all correctly.

I wonder what those Pastafarians have to say now that the number of pirates has increased and the global climate has not cooled? Clearly the climate is getting warmer due to the lack of typewriter repair personnel. Pirates! Pshyeah! As if. Don't get me wrong- I still hold that: Pirates > Ninjas.

Rick Moranis used to do a powerful impression of David Brinkley on SCTV. And, on that subject, I was right- they consistently pronounced "Camembert" as "Cannon Bear". Woot the fook, you crazy canuks?

I want to find a hooker and ask her "How much for a 'Full Dutch buttering'?"

Where can one buy old style mens sock garters?

Twenty-somethings can't identify 8-Track tapes.

The whole "Hey batter batter batter, hey batter batter batter, SWING batter" thing. What the fuck is that? Are they trying to help? Is it retard night at the ballpark? If it's such a good thing, why don't they ever do that at golfers? I'll tell you why- because Chi Chi Rodriguez would've shiv'd them. Chi Chi didn't fuck around. He'd cut you.

I'm still having trouble finding music.

What ISN'T Bacon Good For?

2009-04-26T13:40:00.004-07:00

What was I doing when I came across this? No. You don't want to know.

Why Do They Call It "Alternative Rock" When It's The Norm?

2009-04-24T12:05:00.002-07:00

And why must it suck? Here's a dare- open iTunes (or whatever) and go to the "Alternative" section and listen to this stuff, and tell me truthfully it doesn't all sound the same, and tired. As you may have surmised, I continue to be disappointed in my search for GOOD new music. The only thing so far that I really liked was "The Stoop" by Little Jackie. Have you heard something good? Help a brother out!

On The Subject Of Bigamy

2009-04-07T17:01:00.004-07:00

Schmoopie has been watching the series "Big Love" and trying to draw me into it. Even though you'd think it'd be right up my alley, regarding the wanton and depraved sex with multiple "wives", I'm just not into it. Maybe if they'd filmed it as a porno with hot and deformed actor/actresses, then I'd be down with it.

No- that's not it. I saw this image on the web, and came a little:

And that makes my point. That image is HOT, and no one is naked. It is hot for the key reason that all hot things are hot- the ability to SUGGEST things. See, I look at this picture and can totally take it from there mentally. That's the nature of good porn. It must go to one end of the spectrum or the other. On the socially acceptable end, it hints at what's there. Like a lingerie picture or such. You can ALMOST make out what's there, and then your brain (the primary sexual organ) does the rest.

The problem with Big Love is that it reminds me how fucking retarded religion can be. I see enough perplexing idiocy on television, thank you very much... That kills boners like nurses who do that deal with cold spoons.

For the record, the other end of the spectrum is flat out vivid freak-show porn, where you, being merely mortal with gag reflexes, bones that don't bend, and conventional pain thresholds, are unable to replicate what's being done. That kind is really good too.

I Think I Might Be Japanese

2009-04-07T16:59:00.004-07:00

First, it was the game shows, and now this:

I have no idea what's going on here, but I approve.

The "Diplomat"? Are They Kidding Me?

2009-04-07T13:03:00.003-07:00

This is the "Diplomat".... I don't think that's me.

Here is the source

I Love Seattle...

2009-03-30T15:38:00.003-07:00

Absolutely nothing- say it again!

Oh, and this is from last year, but the Groucho's of Spring have returned for 2009...

What'd You Do Today?

2009-03-21T22:42:00.000-07:00

I fell down at Snoqualmie Falls. I'm Mr. Mud Butt.

Why I Don't Watch Television, Or Go South

2009-03-19T07:31:00.000-07:00

Imitation Is The Sincerest Form Of... Stupidity?

2009-03-17T09:29:00.002-07:00

This is just so damned sad. If they told me this was satire, I would think them genius.

Farty Planes, OR One Plane Town- The Dirty Old Man Chronicles

2009-03-16T10:32:00.003-07:00

So, I flew one of those out to Walla Walla last week, and returned later the same day. I may be at a loss to describe the finer points of the trip. The data center I went out to audit was suitable to the very limited needs I had, so that stuff can proceed, but it was all the other shit I saw that messed with my noodle. I also was reminded that I'm settling into the "old" part of "dirty old man" pretty quickly. Apparently now that I'm old, fat, and broken down in addition to the long-standing funny looking, young college girls don't seem to have any hesitation in bending over in front of me, or adjusting themselves in ways that might cause erections.

The "airport" there is bustling Walla Walla best resembles a largish highway rest stop in the midwest. Sterile, empty, uninspiring, with racks of local brochures detailing local events and "attractions". The Muzak was intolerable. There is one "gate" with a baggage carousel that appears to never have been used. There was once a restaurant there, but it's closed due to economic challenges. There is a morning flight and an afternoon flight. That's it. One airline. Two security screeners from the institute of brilliance, the TSA. I had to rent a car for $75 for the hour I needed it (Hertz- what a value. They try harder to fuck you over, and it shows) because there are no cabs in town.

Walla Walla would no doubt still be totally unheard of and underdeveloped were it not for the burgeoning wine industry. So, into the sleepy little town, pour a lot of money, and throw in some wine snobs, and shake. It was 20F and I saw a guy wearing several shirts, and two coats, a hat, and nylon shorts. I saw another older guy, fully bundled up, riding a bike but his hands weren't on the handlebars exactly- his palms kind of were resting on the grips, because in his hands were two Barbie dolls. For real.

Oh, and the plane(s)? On one, I couldn't stand up fully. The seats were narrower too- my book was wider than the tray table. Thankfully the flight was not fully sold, so I didn't have anyone next to me and could put one butt cheek on each seat on both flights. Having never before flown in a turboprop, I was surprised that one was so quiet and one was so... farty. I also had never boarded a plane without a jetway, which is fine, but I was surprised by the spartan method by which the boarding and luggage were handled. People with luggage, after shlepping them down several flights of stairs and through a maze of service vehicles on the tarmac at Sea-Tac were asked to place them on a big porters cart. From there someone would stow them. Then, after getting out of the plane, the people just stood around on the tarmac waiting for someone to bring by a cart with the luggage. It's just weird to see people get out of a plane and then stand right beside the plane.

The fun part? On the flight out, a lady with helmet hair sits in front of me and says to the other helmet haired lady opposite her "I always throw up on these little planes", and the guy sitting in front of her kinda freaked out. He ended up moving to a different seat. Who could blame him? There should be a "vomit" section in airplanes. Near as I could tell, she didn't throw up.

Dumb Pitiful Victims, and the Christian Bankers Who Love/Hate Them, On The Next Disco-Tent (check your local listings)

2009-03-16T09:47:00.005-07:00

You know what is the key difference between this financial crevasse and the FIRST Republican-delivered Depression? It's us. In the '30's people gave a shit about each other- even strangers, and being down and out was awful but it didn't equate to being an awful person.

Fast forward 80 or so years, and we've taken the "me" to the extreme. Someone got evicted? Fuck 'em! Not my problem. They probably brought it on themselves, anyway. Zero compassion. This change is brought to you almost exclusively by the Rush Limbaugh followers of the world, and the Ayn Randian Objectivists. That so many of these people would call themselves Christian would give me a hernia from laughing, were the circumstances not so dire. Fucking pretentious money-worshipping, self-centered, arrogant, unimaginative idiots that look down on ME for not being so mentally disabled as to believe in any Gods.

Being without any faith, I am not obliged under any theocratic or philosophical code to do anything for anybody, and I largely have contempt for my fellow man, and EVEN STILL I seem to be more compassionate than the masses. Have a look at this, and then I'll make the next point:

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Nice to see MSNBC right there willing to broadcast the upset people for profit, by the way. You know- because there is no way this story could've been told WITHOUT demeaning people, right?

But that wasn't my second point. Still on the subject of how WE have changed, when you see this video the other point I'm intending to make becomes clearer. We are weaker of spirit than in the '30's. Yes, losing your place and being homeless is awful. It's sad, and I wish it weren't happening, but crying about it doesn't help. At minimum, don't let yourself be filmed by the goddamned TV news people crying about your lot in life- keep private things private and maintain your fucking dignity.

Here's another radical thought- not everyone SHOULD be able to own a house. Yeah, I said it. If you are making something in spitting distance of minimum wage, you have no business buying a house. In fact, I'll take that one step further- maybe you shouldn't own a car. You should have what you can afford. End of story. I ride the bus to work everyday and it's fine. Come along with me and learn to save your damned money. Get a bike. Something-anything, but stay within your means.

The world is a big and competitive place, and if you are going to compete you need to not be lazy about yourself as a commodity. No matter who is in the Oval Office, shitty "fuck the little guy" laws like NAFTA and CAFTA will come along and pit you (or more abstractly- the value of your work/labor units) against the world market. If you are grown and are working some menial job that pays for shit, you should not expect things like big screen TV's and SUV's. If you want those things, learn how to make or do something that people want which nets you more than minimum wage.

And to the people who bought houses thinking that the value could never drop- what're you? Fucking nuts? Have you NEVER read a history book? Pickled Jesus on ice, what made you think that? I nearly had a thrombo back in Colorado where I paid $165,000 for a house and thought I was getting the shaft, but I didn't get any second mortgage, HELOC, or other crafty bullshit that the financiers dreamed up in an opium den, and was thankfully able to sell at a breakeven even after the values went down. The people out here in Seattle are WAY into crack apparently, because the average house out here is STILL $380,000. Guess what? I'm not buying. No way in hell the materials and labor costs of a house are that high. Fuck that noise. I'll rent forever, because I don't believe I'm OWED the financial bullshit that could get me to own a home.

If you are one of the "victims" of the housing crisis, I'm very sorry. Get an apartment and get back together. Be assured that everyone makes mistakes and all this shit will pass. I won't give you pity, and I likely won't give you a hand out. You may not be ready for what I am prepared to do. I will treat you as an adult.

Walla Walla Won't You?

2009-03-11T17:43:00.001-07:00

I'm flying on a propeller aircraft tomorrow to Walla Walla. Who do you suppose I'll get stuck next to?

Fuck Those High Tech Japanese Toilets- Give Me Power!

2009-03-09T18:46:00.002-07:00

null - Watch more free videos

Still, this has nothing on the crappers at my office- they'll take your damned arm off.

Why Must New (Rock) Music Suck?

2009-02-19T17:47:00.004-08:00

I remember when rock was cool. I remember sex, drugs, and Rock & Roll. I remember novelty- you could have Led Zeppelin, Devo, or U2 (back when Brian Eno made them sound good). Hell, even Rap looked like it had serious potential then. I'll go so far as to say Public Enemy was as meaningful and as passionate as Bob Dylan. Seriously. Whatever your tastes, there was something interesting. There was a lot of pop shlock too- lest we forget The Go-Go's or Huey Fucking Lewis. Tom Petty came along and at first I thought he was some ersatz Neal Young- Half the "twang" and twice the mumble, and he made a fucking career out of power chords. In hindsight, I think this was the end of interesting music.

There are many reasons I think why music sucks anymore, and not all of it has to do with the artists. There is a real serious dearth of engineers, or they are being controlled by the 'tards in charge of the labels. There is some fucked up stunt that is being performed on music to make it sound... wrong. Unnatural. Something... Bad.

They are fucking with the EQ levels to make the music have more of a constant noise and increase the volume overall. It's measurable- look:

AC/DC's Back In Black. Few would argue this is NOT a pumping Rock song with ample beat/emphasis. (click to embiggen)

Now, observe The Ordinary Boys "Boys Will Be Boys", a good song murdered by modern music treatment.

Note the difference? The AC/DC is four minutes and change, and the Ordinary Boys is under three, but the scaling is about a match. You can see how they are fucking it all up. The Ordinary Boys song is not a natural sound pattern, and this shit is endemic, and it pisses me off.

On top of all this, I can't find any Rock that makes me tap my toes. Pandora and the iTunes "Genius" are not helping. Whatever happened to serious fucking Rock & Roll? Even the cited Ordinary Boys sound wussified and emo to my ear. I need songs about fucking, with a tempo that makes me want to commit a crime. Remember? Like Rock used to be?

Maybe Rock was never that good- maybe it was all the sex and drugs. I can't remember.

Jury Is In - Bill Gates Is An Asshat

2009-02-19T17:35:00.002-08:00

Only this guy could give away BILLIONS and still be a shithead. I'd withheld judgement of this guy for a long time, and while I am not one way or the other about Windows (in all it's permutations), I think poorly of Microsoft. I wasn't willing to throw Bill under the bus, so to speak, until I got wind of this:

Dear Bill,

That's great that none of the mosquitos that you released had malaria, but guess what? Some of us are allergic to them ALL.

You shithead.

Go eat some money until you choke.

Signed,

The allergic.

For All Of You Who Thought The Liberator Was Special...

2009-02-17T18:39:00.001-08:00

null - Watch more free videos

Another Ring

2009-01-30T08:38:00.002-08:00

I hate my birthday. I think I might have ALWAYS hated my birthday, but my memory is kinda "smokey". Not only is it like Christmas, where I'm reminded by how little my family really understands me (don't get me wrong, I need for nothing and am grateful for their consideration, but the things they give belie a serious disconnect from my persona), but it's usually a really shitty day for me. On my 30th, I had heart surgery, and that was maybe the high/low water mark among birthdays, but let me give you a glimpse of my day SO FAR.

2:00 AM- violent diarrhea with cramping until 3:00 AM. No idea why.
5:25 AM- Earthquake (4.6). No harm, but woke me. I thought it was the dog doing something.
6:30 AM- Decide to make an omelette (I'm good at this). Got some egg on my hand and couldn't get the soap out of the SoftSoap dispenser dealy, so I pounded on it a few times, and it ejaculated cum looking soap all over my shirt and pants. I rinsed it all off and was then cooking and wearing a cold shirt with suds.
7:00 AM- Omelette done and eaten, I change clothes and get re-ready to go to work, and poke myself in the eye.

It'll be all downhill from here, I'm sure. I told Schmoopie I'd be lucky not to lose a limb today.

Be Careful Out There

2009-01-29T21:32:00.002-08:00

We've all been there, right?

Brain Dump

2009-01-25T14:20:00.016-08:00

The following are things I've been meaning to blog about but have not gotten around to posting. Clicking on images should get you a better view (if that's what you want). In no particular order:

Skegness is SO Bracing:

I've always said that.

Can we somehow thin the herd around here? Like starting with these types:

And can we send the murderous jack-booted thugs of the Denver Police Department with them? It's embarrassing to me that the Democratic Party would have let these brain-dead barbarians off the hook for their many documented instances of blatant abuse against (Democratic) friend and foe alike. Any excuse to kill a motherfucker who fails to "respect their authoritah" I guess. And note the delightful t-shirts the DPD made for themselves to commemorate the savagery:

Jesus Zombie Christ I'm glad to be away from there. I lived there for nearly twenty years and NEVER had a good experience with them. If you need help in Denver, just handle it yourself because adding these monsters will only make things worse. Also hope that they don't just decide to shoot and kill you anyway (they may still lead the nation in police killings).

Then I ran across this:

In the 7 deadly sins department, I'm five for seven. Not bad. I particularly like the "lust" pile. I could hang out there for a spell. *ahem*

Those who know me in the "meat world" know that it doesn't take much to get me on a righteous tirade about Walt Fucking Disney, and this little gem made the rounds on the internet lately and merely underscores what a burning douche this "national treasure" was. Rot in hell Walt, you fetid bit of cream cheese covered afterbirth.

In happier fantasy thoughts, I saw this. Oh Leia, how I wanted to DO things to you. Pardon me, I need a moment.

Every time I see a headline about sex slaves, I always WANT it to be a story like what's pictured above, but in the end it's always some soul crushing story about kidnapped girls forced to work in brothels in third world tourist places. Where are all the happy sex slave stories damn it? These Leias look happy. They make me happy. Pardon me- need another moment.

So, being of Scotch-Irish decent, I was aware from the time I was little that my family name had a coat of arms, and woo hoo hoo- it features a boobie!. It's a bizarre thing that also features a bird of some kind chewing a wound in it's breast so that the blood can feed it's offspring. Cheerful, eh? I prefer to think of the boobie (it was lactating). Lot of fertility images for just one coat of arms, and perhaps accordingly, I not only had no difficulty in knocking up Miss Schmoopie, but told her immediately after the filthy carnal episode was complete that she was "in a family way" both times (and was right). I later learned my father had done the same with my mother. Weird. In any event, I first saw the coat of arms I was really little and didn't like the colors and didn't give it a second thought. Later, it became popular to have coats of arms made for family names that didn't have them, and a cottage industry was born. I don't think the one I saw in my youth was a contemporary creation, but really don't know. Something jogged it in my memory recently and I thought that if the coat was historically genuine, then I may also have a tartan. I looked it up, and I do. It's fucking hideous:

So my ancestors were tasteless breeders. Fucking lovely.

I'm not all that into cars, and my next new car purchase will be 100% electric, so it'll be a while before I change vehicles, but THIS friggin thing scratches where I itch:

Just imagine it in green with gun-metal grey wheels. Ooh la la...

Finally, I've no idea what's happening here, but this is how I feel these days:

Weird Dream

2009-01-09T07:51:00.013-08:00

I know that every time someone tells you about a dream they've had, it always sounds stranger than expected because you don't normally get the visualizations, but I have to try to tell you all about the dream I was having until my alarm sounded this morning.

It started with me in a forest of huge bigger-than-redwood trees that were spaced unusually far apart. Almost like a prairie with the occasional giant fucking tree. Among these giants, one old fallen trunk was semi-uprooted and leaning at about 85 degrees. The trunk was maybe twenty feet in diameter and all the branches were long gone- just a tree trunk and exposed root base holding the incline. I went to the tree and climbed up the jagged and knotty root base and walked the top side of the trunk to near the end and was surprised that my weight didn't even make the tree wiggle or sway.

So then the environment changes (as is the case with dreams) to the tree trunk being at Cannon Beach, Oregon and the weather is beautiful. I'm sitting there and it's breezy and nice, and I see a small jet coming in from the sea about five feet above the water. My first thought was that it was a drug runner, but then the jet turned toward me (rather than hitting some buildings) and it's not a normal jet. It's a strangely shaped plane whose shape is like what you'd get if you pushed opposite corners of a square piece of paper a little together and away from one of the other corners. Like a wrinkle in a carpet that tapers. I'm sure I'm not going to be able to explain this very well. Suffice it to say, it's an unusual shape that is decidedly un-airplane-like. It flies around like a spaceship or something- it can fly at about any speed, and can stop and change direction in perplexing ways, but doesn't seem to be able to hover. I'm watching this crazy thing move in all these improbable ways, and I see "U. S. Air Force" written on it, and am impressed with the technology. I'm looking at it all over for signs of jetwash, jet vectoring, heat distortion- anything, and I'm seeing none of it. I have no idea what is propelling this thing. Then a conventional F-16 shows up and they proceed to dogfight.

At this point, the dream changes from a first-person experience to a movie, where my minds eye is a camera that follows the action. The two planes cat-and-mouse through a canyon environment and after a few minutes, the pilots salute each other and they exit the canyon- the F-16 banking left, and the weird plane to the right.

Toward the left is some kind of large alien looking structure that is involved in carnage. Now, this thing is unclear, but it has four "guns" that are shooting some kind of energy or plasma beam. The gun turrets are openings with top-hinged metal plate covers that swing up to expose the guns. Like the cannon port covers on an old battleship, or in my parlance, like some Star Wars At-At kind of thing. Observe:

Now, in this case, the guns are not covered by the "doors" or "lids", but rather the windows are. But in my dream, the guns of this thing pop up from under covers like the headlights of a Corvette (you know, the old ones with pop-up headlights. Why they got rid of that feature is beyond me- I think that was the only reason why I liked Corvettes as a kid.)

So, there is this alien plasma-death-ray shooter thing with four "guns"- two by two. All hell is breaking loose, and the death ray dealy doesn't cause explosions or fire or anything- it quickly dissolves matter, leaving empty space. There isn't much sound with it either. The F-16 engages this thing and is dissolved in short order, but the weird plane with it's unpredictable flight path is bobbing and weaving around the periphery of the death ray range. Unable to get close to the source, the weird plane pilot is becoming frustrated and flies behind the cover of a building, and while behind it, one of the death ray guns shoots a hole in the foundation of the building, exposing daylight. The pilot of the weird plane flies into this new hole the building and behind that a new empty space is formed by a following death ray (or whatever I'm calling it) plasma shot, and the pilot flies to that point. The alien weapon is shooting in a path, and the pilot of the weird jet is following this path of not-destruction, but vacant space, closer and closer to the source. The alien gunners it turns out can't see through their own weapons beam, so the guy gets closer and closer as the aliens continue the firing. Then, as the aliens finally turn to shoot somewhere else, the weird plane emerges right up in their grill, so to speak, and shoots them with whatever he has, and it makes a "pyew pyew" sound and the gun turret blows up, but the explosion is too close, and the weird plane is damaged. The pilot ejects, but his inertia carries him toward the alien turret he's just blown up, and as the heavy metal lid closes over the smoking detritus that was once a death/plasma gun, he strikes the outside of the alien vessel and his ankle is trapped by the closing metal lid. He's held there in agony like a bear in a trap, as the scene changes.

Cut to what I think is the United Nations building, or maybe an underground bunker somewhere- perhaps the Pentagon. Someplace important, with dramatic lighting and cherry wood paneling. This scene is very Dr. Strangelove-esque, or maybe a little like the Henry Fonda movie Fail-Safe. The setting is a wood paneled room with an unnatural red-orange tint, like color movies from the 50's had, and it begins with a close up of Lee Majors on the telephone.

He sets the phone down and does his best satisfied squint (flexing his dramatic range) and says to either Katie Segal

or Mercedes Ruehl

"Get me Eisenhower!"

As she leaves the room, she passes a seated Peter Sellers

who has a strange grin on his face, and she says to him "Is that a problem?", and he replies "That depends- do we have enough cocktail spoons?" and then the camera zooms in on his smile featuring terrible Austin Powers teeth.

At that moment my alarm clock went off, and so I have no idea what the possible meaning or consequence of the cocktails spoons might have been. This may help explain why I'm so often tired, even after sleeping...

Are We Not A First World Nation?

2009-01-08T11:38:00.005-08:00

To all of you who were duped into thinking that Obama was somehow a "change" agent, I'm very sorry you were mislead and hope that you don't lose your idealism. This guy has begun to show us his real nature and it's not looking good:

* He got involved after all in the fiasco with his Senate replacement.
* To preside over his inauguration, he chose a homosexualmisist priest (the suffix -misia is from the Greek word "to hate", in lieu of the less applicable -phobia for "fear of". Incidentally, "homophobe" is also not the right word, as "homo" only means "same". If it really is fear of gay people, the word is "homosexualphobe", which admittedly doesn't roll off the tongue)
* He wants CNN's Sanjay fucking Gupta as Surgeon General. Fuck me sideways with a stick! Not that fucking guy. This is the same biopharma shill that Michael Moore dealt with (and made look really fucking stupid AND compromised on national television), and since when do we need to turn to television talking heads for appointments? That's the kind of dumb ass thing I'd expect from the current idiot-in-chief (Tony Snow was spokesperson for the White House, you see). You want change Obama? Bring back Jocelyn Elders. She was the last Surgeon General worth a fuck. She suggested masturbation was natural and not unhealthy and Bill "come here and let me pork your intern cooter with my Partega, while I spooge on your schoolmarm dress" Clinton fired her for it.

Now today I hear that D.C. Inauguration officials want attendees to bring their own toilet paper to the event? Why? Don't they have enough copies of the Constitution for people to wipe with? When did we become so third world?

So, How Is It Where You Are?

2008-12-21T00:49:00.003-08:00

One the one hand, it doesn't snow here much, so there are few plows and such. On the other hand, people here don't know what the hell they are doing in bad weather. To be fair the tendency is for snow to come AFTER a good ice storm/freezing rain, so you get a great sheet of black ice under the snow when it does snow. It's tough to walk. Hills + ice + Seattle drivers. Get a good viewpoint, and you're all set.

Enjoy:

Finally- Holiday Spirit I Can Get Behind

2008-12-13T14:27:00.000-08:00

Perfunctory Phone Pics Post

2008-12-07T19:23:00.003-08:00

Just how bad is the economy when this seems appropriate?

Z. drew this one day and taped it to his door. It's a bat, in a bikini top and panties that say "Bloomers for Tuesday". I have no idea how this came about.

Stucco's Helpful Torture Tips, Part II

2008-12-05T08:12:00.005-08:00

Howdy hey, kids and kitties- put away your waterboards and trickle chargers. There is a NEW torture method in town. Like all the best methods, it only leaves EMOTIONAL scarring and trauma. Discovered in Seattle at the end of 2008, this procedure is GUARANTEED to get you all the confessions you will ever need.
What you will need:

Instructions:

1.) Place earbuds in victims ears. DO NOT plug into any audio source, despite any inclinations to torture your subject with Barry Manilow. Let the little metal plug dangle loosely.

2.) Rub polar fleece clothing against itself until a healthy static charge is created.

3.) Touch metal plug from earbuds to the polar fleece clothing, transferring the static charge (and alarming crackle/sizzle sounds) directly into the sensitive inner ear of your victim.

4.) Collect confession.

This environmentally friendly torture tactic featuring renewable energy is brought to you by Stucco Z. Tard.

"You talk like a fag, and your shit's all retarded" - Idiocracy

2008-12-02T12:02:00.006-08:00

Who knew that movie was non-fiction?

Do I hate my country? Not exactly, but I'm really fucking pissed off about my fellow citizens. I can't abide people. That's what it comes down to- I can't stand almost everyone. Those that celebrate this completely low-brow, unenlightened, materialistic, self-centered, vapid, dangerous, filthy, wasteful, and ignorant culture ARE the problem. It's "game over" time here, and I'm not crazy about the idea of leaving this place. I mean, this is MY country too- why should I have to leave?

I'm simply outnumbered by people who would pose little girls with guns and not notice that they are pointing them near to or at one another.

Fuck General Motors

2008-11-11T10:08:00.006-08:00

Why? Twelve- TWELVE FUCKING YEARS AGO, they made this:

An ELECTRIC vehicle that was well regarded.

Then in 1999, they did this:

GM has been brain dead for years. It's time to pull the plug and bury this money sucking cadaver. Let's all agree too that none of us will hire ANYONE from GM management. Let these fuckers die off. Ford and Chrysler too. My next car won't have a gas tank, and at this pace I'll be pushing up daisies before I get a new car- and I don't care WHERE it comes from.

What we have needed for years is a battery standard that is modular and scalable, like "AA" batteries on steroids, and to develop electric cars that use multiples of these standard batteries. Then, we can convert gas stations to battery stations- you drive in and swap your dead electric car batteries for charged ones (like propane tanks) and keep rolling. And let's have these stations use solar panels to trickle charge batteries, and get serious about this shit.

[Aside] I labelled this post "No-good dumbo nothing(s)", which is a quote I like from the late Douglas Adams. The gist of the quote is that there is an omnipotent being that has lived from one end of time to the other repeatedly and has grown bored. It decided that the thing to do with eternity is to visit every living creature, and insult them. It would pop up at random times, confirm the identity of the subject, and then insult them before disappearing. That's certainly what I would do. But the very best thing I discovered is that if you type "no good dumbo nothing" into google, one of my blog posts is the top return. It cheered me up.

Obama, Please! Bullshit as Predicted.

2008-11-06T15:29:00.006-08:00

And so it begins. The "change" poser names Rahm Emanuel as his Chief of Staff. Uh huh. The former head of the DLC- the same DLC that was IN FAVOR of the retarded fucking war, No Child Left Behind, CAFTA, NAFTA, and DIDN'T want to filibuster the nomination of Supreme Court Nazi, Alito. Good judgment call there, change-boy. Thanks for the insane FISA immunity vote, and the trillion TRILLION FUCKING DOLLAR leave-no-banker-behind bailout.

This is how it will go- two years from now it'll be all the same excuse making and platitudes. These people are fucking show dogs- all fluffing and prancing and no actual work. Just watch- Obama won't make a difference. Well, perhaps he'll dry-sodomize you over the Bill of Rights a little less than the Wiretapper in Chief, but that's about it. You won't get universal healthcare. The war will continue. The economy will still tank. Given his pick of Emanuel, I can't tell whether he even wants to change anything.

Kucinich, Kucinich, wherefore art thou Kucinich?

...Stoatgobbler Mangrove....

2008-11-04T19:04:00.000-08:00

Read This

2008-10-30T20:32:00.001-07:00

Seriously.

Here In Our Nation's Capital, Liberty Is Dead...

2008-10-27T14:23:00.003-07:00

I'm just a visitor (perhaps of this entire nation, but for sure here in D.C.) so, maybe I shouldn't get so worked up. The local news is talking about the new policy of random searches of bags for the trains and subway. The people they polled were largely in favor, because it made them feel "safe". Fuck you all- you D.C. charlatans. You are not Americans, and wouldn't know Freedom if it noisily split you in half.

Amendment 4, motherfuckers.

Vote!

2008-10-24T21:31:00.002-07:00

Why I don't like people, exhibit #1451. These fucking retards are EVERYWHERE!

Whiskey Tango?

2008-10-20T13:01:00.005-07:00

Now, I know that advertising people are collectively a cancer on our society, probably because they WANT to sell things using images of genitals, but this insanely uptight ersatz-puritanical culture has so much shame that that can never happen. No doubt this leads to all the psychotic and/or insulting advertising that we see, but what is this shit about?

Exhibit A.

What is happening here? "Make him yours"? She doesn't appear to want him at all, so how is this a good thing? 5 Free tools? Weapons? Emotional manipulation tactics? Roofies? And why does the relationship need healing? She's looking away so whatever it was, it must've been his fault- right?

See- just the other day, who was I telling? I was talking to someone and I was explaining that all males (I think this applies regardless of orientation) really want sex slaves. It's not a mean thing necessarily- well, maybe it's not primarily meant to be mean. I was explaining that what all men want is an accommodating female body to do things to/with without all the emotional stuff, since were collectively outgunned in this capacity by orders of magnitude. We want a female that doesn't say "no" and that puts up with whatever we can dream up. Maybe that means some contraption in the garage with pulleys, or maybe it's just having a look at where the pee comes from with a magnifying glass.

It's not rooted in misogyny, it's rooted in laziness and hedonism, but it influenced by the Judeo-Christian shame we have here. Not many males are cut of the Marquis de Sade cloth, but ask any man how he felt about Princess Leia in the metal bikini, on a chain in that Star Wars movie, and you'll see the guy go to his "happy place" just remembering it. It's how we're wired. We like to possess things- cars, computers, gadgets- and hey, wouldn't a sex slave be cool?

I was wondering if this ad was trying to play to a similar vibe in women, but in all the times I've asked women about male slaves, sex wasn't the first thing they mentioned. Cooking, cleaning, and foot massages seem to be higher on the female hierarchy of needs. Men think of slaves and they rush to multiple partners, bondage, or anal sex- whatever they themselves have been wanting and not getting, and women think about having someone clean the bathroom. That's a cruel fucking joke to play on us as a species.

What do you want to bet the blonde in that ad is imagining that guy vacuuming?

What's wrong with Microsoft, Exhibit # 1781

2008-10-07T16:43:00.002-07:00

MS has no vision and no style, and this is the result. Ever wonder why they don't create new ideas, so much as buy smaller companies with new ideas? I can only feel pity at this point.

Seriously?

2008-10-02T10:31:00.003-07:00

I ran across this image while doing something for work:

Does anyone NOT see the problem here? I should include this in job interviews.

Why do we let the dumb people breed?

Not My Amalgamated!

2008-09-29T12:56:00.003-07:00

Interesting day on the stock market. If you've lost a ton of money in stocks, I'm sorry for you, but not very sorry. This is overdue.

Asshole.

2008-09-29T12:12:00.003-07:00

This is my local Representative, James A. "Jim" McDermott. He voted in favor of H. R. 3997 (The Emergency Economic Stabilization Act of 2008)- you know the $700 BILLION dollars, that would surely top a TRILLION in short order, with no limited oversight or accountability. Yeah, that fiasco.

Well, despite my pleadings, Representative Warbucks here voted in favor of the damned thing. Here's an easy rule of thumb- If this President wants it, it's bad for you. If Fox News is trying to scare you about it, think twice. Or three times, even. The Dems made good on all the lobbyist money they took in, and were it not for the Republicans (holy shit- can that be right?) this fleecing would have passed. I just can't believe there are so many DEMs that supported this.

Representative McDermott, you lost my vote, asshole. I wish I'd know you better, because I'd have campaigned against your sorry ass.

Oh, and if you want to see if your own Representative tried to sell you out, here is the link to the vote roll call.

I see some Colorado names on the AYES list. Assholes.

Little Pink Pup Tents, For You And Me...

2008-09-23T19:52:00.004-07:00

Welcome to Nickelsville, population as many as 1000. That's Nickels, as in hizzonner Seatte Mayor Nickels. He's dealing with the homelessness problem by hassling the homeless so they will what? Leave? I can't say what the wisdom would be. For sure, by catering to the big money developer types and ignoring the perpetually full and woefully inadequate homeless shelters (or is it "shelter" as in singular?) he's earned the name for the squatter town.

I know nobody likes crazy dirty homeless people- particularly if they are nearby. But hey- you religious types need to remember "there but for the grace of God...". Me? I know that these people need help, and very probably the kind of help I'm unable to provide- mental help, drug addiction treatment, etc. I know nothing about these things, but I'm just not as "Grinchy" as the Mayor. I would not make their lot in life worse, and I would try to think up some solutions.

Tell you what I do know, though. We have lots of homeless people sleeping under overpasses and bridges. Guess what else we have a lot of? Shipping containers. Call me crazy, but I think we can work something out here. There are architects and builders doing amazing things with these containers, and I'd bet that you could refit some old 20' boxes into basic shelters cheaply. Matson has a shitload of the smaller containers that they never seem to use, stacked all the hell over their space in Harbor Island. See if they'd like a tax break or charitable credit for donating some of these and move them to a safe place. Maybe even have the homeless donate the labor? You could move them if you had to and not lose anything. Build a handful of them with toilets or showers, and the homeless could get back to being human beings again.

You know- in case that's the goal.

Get Bent

2008-09-17T20:59:00.005-07:00

As it's Schmoopie's birthday, I bought myself a treat. That's how it's supposed to be, innit? I got a recumbent bicycle from Actionbent, a local (comparatively cheap) seller of 'bent's. Boy howdy are these things:

a.) Spendy
b.) Different from regular bikes in terms of handling
c.) easier on the ass/wrists/neck/back than a regular bike
d.) a workout for different muscle groups than a normal bike
e.) wicked fun

We went down tonight to Alki beach and rode around for fun. The sunset made the water sort of a salmon color, and it smelled good. Heard the seals squawking out on the buoys. Very nice night, don'tcha know?

And my loins are tender...

No Really- Everything Is Fine

2008-09-16T14:55:00.003-07:00

McCain says the "fundamentals of the economy are sound". Feel better?

Extra Special Helping of Irony

2008-09-13T14:26:00.005-07:00

So ~~Emperor~~ Pope Palpatine was in Paris and what did he have to say? He condemned the love of money and power. One of the richest and most powerful guys in the world says this? Uh huh. Maybe if it was such a problem he could lead by example? Heh. What the hell was I thinking?. Don't you have some altarboy to bugger, hat-boy?

Titicaca Files

2008-09-12T09:58:00.003-07:00

I am secretly still 8 years old. I must be- I still laugh at things like:

WONGDOODY?

And these:

DONG FANG? I want one! Either a shipping container like that, or an actual "Dong Fang". Well, hang on. My luck, I'd have a buck-toothed cock. I'd need dick braces for a long time. Flossing could be fun though.

Further Signs of Decline

2008-09-11T14:21:00.005-07:00

Remember when the Army tried to lure ~~suckers~~ young males into joining up with promises of tuition benefits? Well, that clearly isn't working anymore as no one appreciates education. Maybe it's not that bad. Perhaps it's a result of young people smart enough to be thinking about higher education are defacto too smart to join the Army. In any event, this is the new angle.

As a separate irony, anyone (like me) that has actually had their own small business as a primary source of income can tell you how the very same government that regularly short changes the ~~poor saps~~ heroes in uniform has also stacked the deck against small businesses. Or hey- maybe they can buy a home. If they can get a loan, like through the VA? Maybe? Those that survive their enlistment without armor, or you know- fresh water, can then come home and lose all their benefit money trying to start a small business or in the volatile housing market. Insult to injury.

Nope. Not Buying It.

2008-09-10T13:10:00.003-07:00

Sarah Palin is not the mother of Trig. She is the grandmother of Trig. Whether or not you think this is a big deal/off limits/etc. is secondary to my point. This is a lie, and it's one that she (or the campaign) brought up. Here's my take:

Bristol Palin gets preggo in late July or more likely August 2007, and is 16 at the time. I don't think anyone was planning on an abortion, as I think they are serious about their fundie beliefs. I'd bet that they were thinking of profit, er... adoption. By December 2007 Bristol begins a five month leave from school because she allegedly has mononucleosis. I had a severe case of mono (ended up in the hospital) and missed about a month of school, and I was milking it a bit.

Somewhere before month 7 (Late January/early February), they learn that the baby has Downs Syndrome. At first I'd taken this to be somewhat in line with an aging mother but then upon further investigation I find that mothers of any age can have Downs babies, and the odds spread with age is less than 4%- that is to say mothers between 40-45 have a 3.75% chance, and young moms have less than 1% chance. Women under 35 account for 80% of Downs babies. I didn't find any stats on 16 year olds, but it could well be that there is an inverse bell curve at play. So, I'm back to thinking it could still be Bristol. Normally a triple screen would be done earlier than this, but with a not-fully-developed mother (a la the 16 tender years) I don't know that the results would have been clear in any result. They probably waited a bit and then had an amniocentesis. Downs-shit. Okay, well that adoption payday is gone. Fuck. Guess they'll need to come up with something. It's been too long to now say she was raped. If it gets out that Bristol's going to have a baby at 16/17, that'll alienate the fundie friends and voters. Okay- it's going to be Sarah's baby. Damn, it's too bad we don't believe in sex education.

So Sarah announces that she's preggo and that it's a Downs baby and everyone thinks- "yeah, I can imagine- what is she 45?" Great. Except that there is a lot of photo evidence that does not show a 7 month old preggo lady here. No worries you say- everyone is different. Maybe she doesn't bump out till later. Perhaps, but then there are the photo's from previous pregnancies where she's big and big early. Plus, there isn't an expected amount of weight gain. Still no worries- no one is going to pry into this- right? It's a private family matter, right? Well, almost right.

Things continued to not make sense. April 17th, 2008- "A month early" (or not, as I suggest) some Palin or another gives birth. Sarah was in Texas, and allegedly had her water break. So, she goes to the nearest hospital and... no wait- she flies to Seattle, then to Anchorage? And the flight attendants don't notice the big preggo woman? Ohhhh- right- a fake preggo belly would probably get the attention of the TSA retards, and we don't need that kind of attention. So no belly- fly home really fast and then go to some tiny hospital near nothing. Funny the hospital didn't list Trig on the birth announcements though. Maybe they can't lie about the mommy in the records or something. And funny too that the doc that delivered Trig doesn't work there anymore. But that'll happen when you get some cushy govenment job thanks to the Governor.

Two days later, Sarah is back to work, seemingly fit and raring to go. She's just like that you see. No post partum nonsense for her. Bristol can spend all her time holding (and nursing?) the baby- like from here on out. Yeah- why not?

"Okay- we dodged a bullet there. We hid the pregnancy and got all the neocon sympathy, and hey- the guys in this nearly-all-male state like the idea of a hottie governor that puts out.

August 29, 2008 - "Oh Shit. Vice President?"

"Okay, we can do this. What? Bristol is pregnant AGAIN? What is it with her? Like a rabbit I tell you. How are we going to manage this? I can't lie about this AGAIN. Damn it! Okay- step one, let's tell everyone that Bristol is preggo this time, but hey- let's announce that's she's FIVE MONTHS PREGGO- that way it'll be impossible for her to be Trig's mom- right? You can't get double-pregnant, while you are in your third trimester- it's the perfect defense. No- no one will think it's weird to be announcing HOW LONG she's been preggo- trust me, people don't think about things."

"Oh, and clean up that brainpan, Levi. That mulletheaded babymaker is going legit. If he bitches, tell him you'll buy him a Trans Am. Oh- and get the lawyers. We have some work here. Levi and his sister have MySpace pages that need to go away like yesterday. All those pictures that show Trig with Bristol and Levi's family- lose them. Make sure they are out of Google too. If any reporters look into this- threaten them. Threaten their network and revenue. The GOP will help if needed by setting the Department of Justice on them."

So far only the foreign press seems to be able to look into this. Perhaps the National Enquirer will join them.

In the end, if these were liberal/Democrats, I wouldn't give two shits, nor would anyone else I expect. Libs would not have had to deny the girl any choice regarding an abortion, lied to cover it all up and fake the parents, or worry about losing support from their base- which is really why this is significant. This is worthy of scrutiny, not just because Palin is a train wreck, but because she and her "base" are the ones trying to force a set of "values" on the rest of us. Libs don't care what you do until the baby is born, and Cons don't care what you do after. Yes, that's a sweeping generalization- but it makes the basic point clear. The GOP is demonstrably the "Do-As-I-Say-Not-As-I-Do" party, and for that they deserve a media driven colonoscopy.

There are many other reasons to point and laugh (and be worried) about a McCain/Palin ticket, but this one is the one that will appeal to the Britneyesque culture here. Obama may be interested in the high road, but I'm not- and don't lie- neither are you.

UPDATE:
Not directly related to this, but if you are a single-issue voter (that is to say, if you vote based SOLELY on an issue like abortion or gun control or "Wars" on something inanimate), you are a fucking retard and you don't deserve the right to vote. Greedy people, and single issue voters are the reason why we're in a new Dark Age, where we have shiny fucking toys that are made in China and the Bill of Rights is being dissolved. I can only hope that this Dark Age will be short lived and followed by an Enlightenment, where people like single issue voters, and those who refuse to think are shunned as the cancers to a society that they are.

Some Things Don't Translate

2008-08-28T18:38:00.003-07:00

So, when it comes to television and movies we have a big industry here, but strangely when something really good happens elsewhere and we try to import it and "make it our own" it usually bombs. I'm not a fan of The Office, and I'm told that it might be the exception to the rule (though most of the feedback says the UK version is better).

The example I ran across this week really disappoints me. I LOVE Japanese television. I don't understand a word of the language, but they are crazy in a way that resonates. I also love MXC, the Most Extreme Elimination Challenge which airs on Spike TV. It's basically highlights from a crazy old Japanese game show called Takeshi's Castle, with smart ass commentary- sort of like Mystery Science Theater 3000 (also a fave).

What I saw was a show on ABC called 'Wipeout', and it's a domestic crazy game show that in now way captures the spirit of the shows upon which it's based. It got one thing right though:

Meet Jill Wagner. She's niiiiiiiice.

She has been hawking Mercury cars for a while now, and while I can't say that I'm interested in the cars- I will watch the ads. As much as I like to watch her, I can bear to watch Wipeout. It's just so bad, and I honestly don't know how you screw up that formula.

On Second Thought, Maybe I CAN Dance...

2008-08-27T21:07:00.001-07:00

Fahten Strippah

2008-08-25T14:07:00.001-07:00

I Don't Know What This Is...

2008-08-22T21:15:00.000-07:00

But I like it.

OMG OMG OMG! I'm Ecstatic!

2008-08-22T20:50:00.003-07:00

Canned Bacon! Sliced, cooked and ready to go! Oh my God, I've been waiting for this day... I don't need a case though, so who wants to go in with me on an order? 12 cans to a case, 40-50 slices per can.

Not Everything I Think About Is Angry

2008-08-15T10:09:00.003-07:00

I know of late it's been a little crabby here, and I'm really not especially angry in "real life". Fatalistic, perhaps, but not angry. And believe it or not, I discovered (well, it came up in conversation with "my Rabbi*", and he was the one that discovered it) a positive attribute of this country that has not yet been destroyed. He's a Rabbinical student who just completed a year of study in Israel, and will be completing his training in Berlin, and then remaining there to help re-establish Judaism in Germany. He's lived all over and reports an interesting (positive) quality that is so far unique to the US.

I forget how the subject came up, but I may have said something flip (as is my wont) about chucking this whole IT thing and becoming something else, like a sex toy inventor, container ship crane operator, chemist, or a porno cameraman. There are lots of other jobs that I could see myself doing. However it came up, Paul allowed as how that was a very American thing to do. Turns out, that in other nations, it's not really an option. Not that there are any rules against it- it's just not something that occurs to anyone. The educational systems are tailored in a manner that once you've decided upon a vocation, the academic curriculum are tailored accordingly. This is sort of an extreme opposite to being undeclared. There are no rules that say you can't change- it's just not widely recognized as an option.

I put a fair amount of trust in Paul's judgement on this, and if it's true that would be an interesting situation. Beyond the obvious advantages of geology and geography, I think this willingness to re-invent, to challenge- to abandon the pretexts of convention, are what actually made this country great. That and being open to stealing everything that wasn't already claimed by white people. When exactly we went from a nation of (white, male and privileged) enlightened rule breakers to a bunch of milquetoast alpha-wave zombies is unclear but I think it began around WWI.

Apparently Pauley was met with some measure of skepticism about his sincereity or ability to complete his academic pursuits, stemming from the distrust of unfamiliar things. Paul mentioned that some advisor or muckety muck over there said as much in a direct and matter of fact manner (oh, how I am weary of false modesty and political sensitivity). This person said that they hadn't previously had any confidence or faith in Paul's willingness, determination, and drive to complete this study as a consequence of it being a significant personal re-invention.

So, is it contagious? My last post mentioned emigration. Could this be a point of positive or negative discrimination? How can the existence of this characteristic be determined? I've make wildly significant changes in my life in terms of vocation and location, but is this something that can be quantified if someone hasn't demonstrated it?

I think it's an interesting thing to ponder, and it makes me want to travel even more so that I can see this with a less partial eye.

* While I've got zero Jewish heritage and am an unabashed atheist, I was enjoying a nice lunch with my friend, the soon-to-be Professor Rabbi Dr. Paul (yes, all of those) and we ran kind of long. When we got back, we were harassed about the delay, to which Pauley said something to the effect of "a fellow can lose track of time when he's talking to his Rabbi". True enough. I took his use of the possessive words "his Rabbi" as a remarkably kind gesture of inclusion. He's not the sort to say such things out of mere courtesy.

America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between - Oscar Wilde

2008-08-15T08:43:00.007-07:00

It's so sad, and I'm getting the idea that we're just far enough along toward globalization that when this intellectual vacuum finally falls into our next impending "Dark Age", that it will be planetary in scope. The original Dark Ages started somewhere shortly before the year 500 A.D. and lasted at least through 1000 A.D. Here we stand again, with religious zealots and ideologues who are willing to smear or even kill the dirty elitist educated liberals like me.

We celebrate the mediocre and look to blame others for anything that we don't like or understand. I routinely hear asinine shit like this country is a "Christian Nation". What- like Vatican City? This is bullshit on every level. First, this is not a religious nation (also called a THEOcracy, as opposed to a representative DEMOcracy). Second, I can count on one hand the number of actual Christians I've ever met. The rest of you poseurs have all the credibility to that title as I have to "skinniest porn star".

Besides, I know the real story- there IS a religion here, but it's shallow and cancerous. It's the love of money, and it's omnipresent, and is the real undercurrent of everything that happens here.

So this time around, we'll probably fall faster into a global dark age, and if we're really lucky maybe we can throw in a pandemic of some sort for good measure. A nice bug that makes Ebola look like a slacker. It'll be fine though, because the television will tell you all that Barack Obama and Osama Bin Laden are brothers, gay lovers, voodoo practitioners, illegal whalers, and baby killers, and that they caused all of the pain you feel. Then you'll vote for some purely evil and corrupt bastard with good hair and photogenic features who will find a way to remove any rights that you have left and enslave your children. And you'll dutifully raise your malnourished children on foods that come from a lab, and they will be taught to believe in an angry all-powerful man who lives in the clouds, who will punish them forever unless they do what they're told.
Then they can go to war and die pointlessly in a battle against the other little children who believe the angry cloud-man's name is different. Lather, rinse, repeat.

I'm not invested in this. I was going to say "anymore" there, but in retrospect, it occurred to me that I've never really been a part of this place. I'm like a natural resident alien. I'm convinced that at some point in (hopefully) my lifetime, and surely the lifetimes of my kids, that we're going to have to emigrate somewhere. I'm trying to make time to get back to where I was in my command of German, although I don't suppose the Germans will want me/us. I'd like to go to somewhere in northern Europe before the walls go up here, but I can't imagine many nations would want to receive Americans. Maybe I can get asylum somewhere, based on the hostile environment for liberals here. I mean, if Jesus Christ were to turn up here today, he'd get his ass handed to him, and be tied to a fencepost and left to die in a snowstorm (a la Matthew Sheppard) I have no compunction in telling you that if I had an opportunity to sell this place out, in order to get out and be free of this lunacy, I'd sell this culture down the river in a New York Minute.

One Nation Under God.

Uh huh.

Wiggle Wiggle Wuh!

2008-08-03T15:10:00.001-07:00

This cracked me up.

Land of the Who?

2008-08-01T10:56:00.003-07:00

For the benefit of those who, like me, went to public schools, the first 10 amendments to the Constitution are called the Bill of Rights, and are supposed to be the freedoms available to you (if you are of the right race, gender, and socio-economic class). The idea at the time was that these are a partial list- the minimums or guidelines if you will. That somehow shifted recently in the view of the Supreme Court that if something wasn't explicitly stated, it wasn't a right, but that's a rant for another day.

Today, I'll focus solely on the Fourth Amendment, also known as "protection from unlawful search and siezure". It reads:

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

No let that soak in for a moment. Got it? Okay, great. Now have a look at this:

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - U.S. federal agents have been given new powers to seize travelers' laptops and other electronic devices at the border and hold them for unspecified periods the Washington Post reported on Friday.

Under recently disclosed Department of Homeland Security policies, such seizures may be carried out without suspicion of wrongdoing, the newspaper said, quoting policies issued on July 16 by two DHS agencies.

Agents are empowered to share the contents of seized computers with other agencies and private entities for data decryption and other reasons, the newspaper said.

DHS officials said the policies applied to anyone entering the country, including U.S. citizens, and were needed to prevent terrorism.

The measures have long been in place but were only disclosed in July, under pressure from civil liberties and business travel groups acting on reports that increasing numbers of international travelers had had their laptops, cellphones and other digital devices removed and examined.

The policies cover hard drives, flash drives, cell phones, iPods, pagers, beepers, and video and audio tapes -- as well as books, pamphlets and other written materials, the report said.

The policies require federal agents to take measures to protect business information and attorney-client privileged material. They stipulate that any copies of the data must be destroyed when a review is completed and no probable cause exists to keep the information.

(Reporting by Paul Eckert, editing by Alan Elsner)

I'm so sick of this fucking place.

I Don't Support the Troops, Or Anyone Else For That Matter

2008-08-01T10:23:00.003-07:00

It really chaps my radical liberal atheist fat ass to see all these "support the troops" magnetic ribbons (that are made in China, no doubt) and the intellectual laziness that accompany them.

Have a look at this report- 41% of female veterans say they've been victims of sexual assault and 29% were raped? Well, fucking "duh".

At the risk of shortening my life by upsetting dumb fucks with weapons, I'll say it- Bill Maher nailed it when he said the military was full of "low hanging fruit" (he said this in reference to the ectomorphic and androgynous Lynndi England). Yes- it's a sad truth. The bulk of the military are not our best or brightest. They are treated by the administration as "bullet stoppers" on purpose. Losers that can't hack PUBLIC SCHOOL drop out and go to (or get duped into) the service. Rapists? These are our ambassadors of freedom? Torturers? Those that aren't irrevocably stupid (and lets be honest- anyone who joined up after the Pat Tillman deal are really goddamned stupid) or so societally screwed by the class system in this country that they saw the military as the answer are broken badly once they are enlisted. What of all the suicides and murder/suicides that happen there and when they come home? Why don't we hear these staggering statistics?

I don't support any of this bullshit. If you are or were in the military, you may be a saint or you may be a psychopath. If you enlisted in the last 8 years or so, I tilt the odds toward the latter. You don't get a fucking pass for serving. It's a job. A job where you can be killed, but also get to kill others. You want to kill people but don't like travel? Become a cop. Having a job where you don't get to make decisions on your own, and are sent to kill others is no kind of accolade in my view. Semper Fi(delis)? Gimmie a fucking break. Stand on your merits, and maybe exhibit some of that esprit de corps (you know that's a French/"Surrender Monkey" term, yes?) that you boast so loudly about and DON"T FUCKING RAPE OR ASSAULT YOUR FELLOW SOLDIERS. Look at the picture from that article. That was somebody's little girl. How her parents cope with this is a complete mystery.

Oh, and if you have one of these magnetic ribbon dealies- congrats! Your blind blanket support also applies to the raping of one in three enlisted females. Good on ya! Yay Team America! Now get those panties off and shut up before I slit your throat, bitch. You tell anybody and I'll fucking kill you.

La Conserva Nostra

2008-07-29T10:56:00.003-07:00

Meet the multi-indicted Dishonorable Republican Senior Senator from Alaska, Ted "the Internet is not like a truck- it's a bunch of TUBES!" Stevens.

This doddering old coot leads the Senate Committee on Commerce, Science, and Transportation. He can't actually explain the Internet. Anyone spot a problem with that? Thankfully, now that he's been indicted, he'll have to step down from his committee leadership by role, but the harm is largely done. He's also the one that refused to send so much as a penny of the money he stole for his "bridge to nowhere" project to help hurricane victims in Louisiana. Teamwork- he's heard of it.

So, now the question is this: are the people of Alaska ready to wake up and vote for some non-Republican?

Dittohate

2008-07-28T08:33:00.003-07:00

Meet Jim D. Atkisson. He hates Liberals enough to shoot up a Unitarian Church during a children's program, killing two in Tennessee.

Here's my declaration of bias- I consider MOST right wing people in this day and age to be cut of this cloth. Uneducated/Undereducated, reactionary, cruel and violent. I have no doubt that in time it will out that this guy is fond of Limbaugh/Savage/Hannity. On the one hand, I don't believe in God, so shooting up churches is of limited affect to me, but as Pastor Martin Niemöller said of the Nazi's (and yes- that's a comparison I'm entirely comfortable making):

"In Germany, they came first for the Communists, And I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a Communist;
And then they came for the trade unionists, And I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a trade unionist;
And then they came for the Jews, And I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a Jew;
And then . . . they came for me . . . And by that time there was no one left to speak up."

My version starts:
"In Neocon America, they first came for the educators, And I spoke up, but no one seemed to care;
And then they came for the trade unionists, And I spoke up, but no one seemed to care;
And then they came for the dissenters, And I spoke up, because I am a dissenter, and no one seemed to care;
They were all watching television."

It would be unfair to hold an ideological movement accountable for the actions of one person (who is/was not in leadership), but in this case, I believe it fair to hold a movement accountable for the product of their efforts. The "right wing" has delivered to us far more rage filled murderers than you ever hear about in the corporate news. Barry Goldwater was a Conservative, these people are fascists, and they are flirting with an American Kristallnacht. I am amazed in my fellow countrymen's ignorance, rage, violence, and absolute unwillingness to think. Frankly, it scares me. I'm finding myself thinking about emigrating more frequently these days, which is quite a shift from my historical pig-headed stubbornness in which I felt a part of this nation.

Maybe some northern European nation would be willing to take in a family of American refugees. I hear it's harder to do at my age, since they don't want to take in those that will be a burden to the medical/social support programs without having paid in to the system for the earlier working years. Perhaps I can make a case for political amnesty before some mouth breathing, NASCAR loving, Fox News watching, monster truck driving, high school dropout decides to shoot me and my family for daring to disagree.